Still no conversation

It has been 2 days and still nothing from the husband. 

He finally showed up around 12am Thursday night. Sat in the couch with his dirty clothes and smell and annouced: "I'm home"

I briefly glanced away from my movie and said "Ok" 

He sat there for a few more minutes and then went to take a shower and eat. 

He eventually went to bed. 

I am not sure I felt anything. 

A good man would have walked into that door after being gone gambling away out life savings, and said. I'm here. I'm sorry and I know we need to talk. 

It's going on day 3 now and nothing. He is willing to just go about as if he didn't just broke our trust and betrayed me. 

He talks about the moles in the yard and ask me if the washing machine is working and tell me he put battery in the flashlights and he is going to the store etc. 

That is not important. What's important is that you come to me and discuss what happened. What you did to me. to our family! 

I feel like I shouldn't broach the subject and then at times I feel like I should (as always) go and say let's talk about what happened. 

Since he has been back our son has fallen ill with severe diarrhea and vomiting and i'm cleaning up yuck from floor and carpet and bedsheets being puked and pooped on and this man cannot find it in his heart to help me. 

To sit with his son

To feed him or give him a sip of water. 

All he can manage when he crawls out of bed at 5pm in the days is to ask if our son was feeling better! 

I feel so helpless. 

He has never helped me with the kids and it just sears me. 

But yes, tomorrow Sunday will be 3 days and still he can't find the balls to come and sit and talk about what he did. 

Another betrayal

So I guess when you have a great thing going, you have this natural inclination to go and hack it to pieces.

Since he got back I've been terribly depressed, but I don't let it show. I cook for him. I let him sleep in all day. He might get up to eat and play on his computer and then go to bed at which I schooled myself into the mood for his wifely needs and things have been great so far, except yesterday he woke up and said he was going to do errands. That was at 10am. 

He called at around 9pm lastnight saying he was out playing a few games and didn't realize the time had flew by so fast. So I'm thinking, well I'm glad he gets time of to enjoy since he was away working so long. He asked me when I was going to bed, I said around 11pm or so, he said ok, by the time I'm there you'll probably be asleep. UM NO I WONT. He said I love you (weird) and talk to you soon.

That soon turned into 1am at which point I was so exhausted I couldn't hold myself up anymore.  I remember wondering why did he sound so chipper as if he wanted me to believe everything was alright. And I just had a feeling that something was odd. I had a feeling what it was.

So at 1am I called him again. No answer. I tried again and he answered. I said, I thought you were coming home two hrs ago. It doesn't take that long to drive from New Iberia. What are you doing and WHERE ARE YOU?  He said he was playing some black jacks or poker or something and for some reason it didn't surprise me at all.

So I ask. Are you at a casino? Yes.
Why are you at a casino Jonathan? = I can't answer that.
I repeated the question and it was the same answer.

So I said, goodnight and hung up the phone.

I'm not sure I feel anything. But I know me and something is there and I hope it doesn't turns into rabid anger or more depression.

This is not the first time he has lied to me about going to the casino.

When we first got married, he got us in debt up to our eyes and took us years to dig out.

And here is the man, wasting our money again.

I can't even pray.

Sigh.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like I need to start thinking seirously about going back to school so I can be able to work and support myself and such if it comes to nub.

Anyway. I just wanted to get it out of me.

Oh yes, he is living the life

Dear God

My husband is living the life. He doesn't have to go back to work until the end of the month.

Today as most the other days, he slept until 3pm.

My day with the children begins at 5:45am. And I go until 3am again.

He woke up and said he was going to check moles in the yard. Then he went to buy something to get rid of them. Then we had dinner

I'm glad I was able to do the two hr cooking today that I ran out of time with yesterday.

He ate and then said he wanted to go play some pool.

I just said ok.

This is how it is most of the time anyway.

I had to put the kids to bed all by myself as always.

Oh yes he is living the life isn't he.

I wish one day he'd take the kids and ask if there is something I wanted to do by myself.

I wish one morning he'd wake up and take his son to school.

I wish.....

But God these are some of the things that weighs on my heart and makes me angry.

Tonight I cried

I notice since my husband have returned from working overseas in Australia

I always keep hoping I can talk to him or just be honest with how I feel but it never seems to happen because of his little ways of shutting me down and basically telling me to shut up.

I remember telling my daughter to pick her sweat up off the floor for the umpteenth time that day and I was explaining to her why she can't just throw her clothes on the kitchen floor or etc floors and dh comes in to say. Don't do the whole drama thing, just tell her to pick it up. I went balistic. I'm the one who has to keep telling her to pick her stuff up and learn the right way to put things away. I was speaking calmly and explaining to her so she'd understand and perhaps not do the same ting next time. 

So while brushing my kids teeth tonight I realize what he is doing. He doesn't have time to listen to me talk. He doesn't want an explanation of what happened.
So I guess the illusion I had that maybe I could have more discussions with him is out the window if I can't have simple day to day conversations that happen in life.

I just need to keep finding the attitude to give the sex because it seems that's my only good contribution that wont get any put downs.

As they say, its life. You can't change someone else, but you can change yourself. that everytime I'm speaking or if he ask me something and I'm trying to explain it, he'll cut me off and say, I don't want the long story. I just want one answer. It hurts and it makes me cry. 

Is it depression or just resignation?

After Seven weeks, my husband is back from working overseas. I did miss him alot when he was gone. And as usual when he is gone I think of the things I'd love to see improve so much between us.

I wish our communication was alot better where it was easy. When he returned I thought if I just be honest and let him know how I was feeling, that it would help. But I notice whenever I tried to share, speak, he'd just shut me down. I did try for a bit and then just realize, it's not working, so I've withdrawn.

I was hoping if we were communicating better, then sex wouldn't be so much of one more chore I had to do. Since that didn't work out.

I've just decided because I cannot deal with the fights about sex, I'll just offer up myself every other day so he'll be happy.

At this point there is not much else I can do but talk myself into it and hope his life feels better.

And then again, he works hard for this family so it's the least I can do.

Sound detrimental I know, but at this time in my life, this is an element of me that I've come to and while it might change, it's what will be done for now.

Then again, there is this depression that I cannot shake and it's been going on two weeks now. I usually never get depressed and if I did, it lasted a day or two and I'm back bouncing off the walls.

But C'est la vie

I don't get to walk away from my kids

We've been here 3 days and 3 nights.

Not once has hubs helped me with the children to put them to bed, or help burshing teeth and grooming before bed and/or in the mornings when they awake to go out.

We've been staying here in AL to visit his father's side of the family for the Christmas holiday.

It's Christmas night and we came home to the hotel to rest up for the trip home tomorrow.

I was getting the kids ready for bed, brushing teeth and etc.

Suddenly he left the room. I asked where he was going and he said lobby. I thought maybe he is going to get something.

He stayed away for more than an hr.

I finished getting the kids to bed and tried to relax. 

When he came in and I asked him where he was (I was starting to worry) and he said lobby. He was checking out the football and on the internet.
So I asked if he just wanted to get away from us and he said yes. He just wanted some peace and quiet.

I could cry or laugh.

I never get to walk away from my kids saying I have to go get some peace and quiet.

This makes me terribly sad and shy away even more from having more kids.

Terribly sad I tell you.

And it's not the first time this has happened. I should be used to it by now, but I am not. 

Sadness that comes after the anger

I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents for the kids and the man and I'm so terribly sad. Today ...rather this evening/night we had a terrible argument.

He asks why I had not cleaned the air vent and I told him, it usually take me an hr or two and I don't want to do it now, but I'd do it.

It was really yucky and needed cleaning. It hadn't been cleaned since I last cleaned it and I remember how hard that was to do.
It would have been easier for him to do since he is so much taller than me.

The evening started out with him waking up at 5pm. Yes he slept all day while as usual I'm up with the kids doing the daily stuff.  I don't know how as a father his conscience makes him sleep all day. But that's the norm around here and now I don't even get angry about it anymore.

He woke up, stalking around the house wanting to suddenly change lightbulbs, walking on the carpet with his nasty shoes. He knows I HATE shoes on my carpet! HATE it. I play around on our carpet with the kids and I don't think shoes should be on it. I don't think shoes should be worn in the home period. It's nasty. The dirty shoes you wear outside and step in all sort of crap should NEVER come into your home!

He mentioned that my not wanting shoes in the carpet is getting old. I reacted. I told him that we play and sit and roll around on our carpet and nasty shoes, should not be on it. He said it was a matter of cleaning the carpet then. I told him no. It's a matter of not wearing the shoes in the house in the first place because it's nasty!

He went on stomping around wanting to fix the outside light and etc. Bear in mind. It's been two days now since I told him about the light being out. Why on earth is he waking up at 5pm acting like it's top of the morning to change lightbulbs is beyond me.

He eventually left for the store and I asked if he could pick up something to eat.

After he left, I went to clean the air vent, thinking that I'd have it cleaned and surprise him when he got back.

I couldn't open the ladder, so I just leaned it against the wall.

He came in and saw the ladder against the wall and went off. I got down and said, ok, you fix it so I can finish. I was so upset that I started to cry. And I was trying hard to count to ten so that I wouldn't get angry. During this time he kept demanding that I come look at how to open the ladder.  I was still counting , hoping to calm down.

I eventually said, ok, I am sorry I'm a  moron and can't do anything to please you. He said, well the wall is important and you should know not to lean a ladder against it because it's sheet rock and it will damage easy. I told him, I didn't know anything about the wall like that and didn't think it would damage it because people lean ladders against walls all the time. He asked me what people? If it was the people in my country. I said yes.

I told him I didn't know how to open the ladder and just wanted to clean the vent so he would stop talking about it and it would be clean.
He said well the instructions are on the ladder and of course it was an argument and I quipped maybe I can't read and he said, well let your kids read it to you.

My children are age 3 and 5 and read very well because I've taught them. I alone have taught them.
I said, sure, when they are older, they will love to take care of their mother.

He then took the ladder back to the garage, muttering that I was pissing him off, came back and tried to close the vent.
I went out and I looked him dead in the eye and I said with as much venom as was felt inside me, if you put that fucking vent up. I will take it down and clean it. and if you put it up 10 times I will take it down and if you keep doing it, I'll bring the hose inside this house and spray wash that crap.

Our daughter was right there, he grabbed her and swat her bottom, saying he told her to go in the other room and then asked my why was I being so foul. I told him I did not care.

So I used a spin chair to stand on and cleaned the vent and then stood on the bin to put it back up after I was done.

He was around for a bit and then left as I was vacuuming the carpet.

It's 1:30am and he isn't back. I'm sure he feels lots better not being around me.

I'm also sure he wont be back until maybe 3 or 4am...

at 10pm I tried calling him because I needed meds for my son who was burning up with fever. there was no answer.
I had to wake my 3 yr old up and took my 5yr old and jump in the vehicle to go get meds for my son.

Even if he had answered...so many hrs later, my son would still be here waiting on this medicine.

This is one of the times when I just hate my life.

Hate that I feel trapped.

Of course it's hard to type all that happened, but that is basically my marriage for you.

Maybe it will be too late

Tonight dh tells me he is going to a sports bar to watch the game and then go play pool afterwards.

That's alright I tell him.

I never stop him from going. I think as a man he should go out and enjoy himself. I just wish he'd think of dating me in the same way.

Maybe one day before it's too late, he'll realize this.

Maybe....

A Little Love is best shown and not spoken

I would love a time when my husband comes home and takes me aside in embrace and really sit and talk with me for even five minutes. 

I would also love if he does take the kids aside and romp , fill their little emotion cup with hands on daddy, because this is what kids need.

Instead, the moment he arrives home, he rushes to get his laptop going so he can spend the rest of the night and evening playing spades with strangers online. 

This is where he invest his time.

Then he wonders why sex is the last thing on my agenda at 3am when he is ready for bed.

Yesterday, Sunday, after church. We came home around 1pm. Immediately he went online to play spades. As usual I cook and do chores, jumping online here and there, gave the kids snacks, interact with them (they come to mommy for everything), read to them etc.

Their father sat from 1:30pm - 3am playing spades. 

This is the man I marry. 

This is the heartbreak I live. 

My heart breaks more so for my children.

One day....it will not be this way and I will be loved.

Another step toward something

My heart has been breaking for our relationship. I hate seeing the man I married so passive and uninvolved in our lives, especially the lives of our children. Why doesn't it come naturally to want to devote time to them? 

It seems like it's a chore to give hugs and kisses.  He'd rather wait for them to come to him. You don't wait on kids. You go love on them.

Our relationship has been in a stall. Urgent silent stall. Silence that eats at the soul that something is wrong. While I've been hurting , somewhere along the way I became callous in feeling and made it not bother me so much.

I guess after more than a week, he finally realized something was wrong and came to talk with me last night. I was not really receptive. 

However I was very open with my feelings, unlike other times when I'd try to massage people's feelings. I'm not sure he fully gets it, but it's a good start to begin with dialog.

We did touch on quite a few issues that bothers me alot and that I've not been saying anything about because of fear I'd hurt his feelings. 

We must connect physically, emotionally and spiritually with each other for this to work. We must invest time with each other for us to grow.  And it must be deliberate. 

What you put in is what you get out. 

The talk has helped my spirit a lot. and I think it's good that he finally took the initiative.

We'll see how it all works out....