It's a wonderful life my ass

When I first watched that movie, I really felt inspired that my life had meaning and meant something.

Tonight as I sit here. with two children. No education. No money. Married to a man who could care less about being a father and a husband. I feel to say" I wish I had never been born.

My mother wouldn't have lost me and suffered such loss all those years in trying to find me.
Her father couldn't have used me against her.
My kids wouldn't have to experienced hurt from me
The man I'm married to wouldn't have to be stuck with me.

So yes, every so often, I feel that I want to wish this, even though I know how it hurt just to think it and even worse how God must feel that I would even think this.

I hate my life right now. The only thing keeping me alive from shooting myself in the head is my dear children.
I love them, and to thisi point they love me.

The man I'm married to is driving me to infuckingsanity. I don't know why he wont just accept the divorce path and move on to a better life and let me begin to make one for myself.

If we get divorce. NEver again will a ring be placed on my finger.

Marriage. It;s like a fucking death sentence!

He apologized while I was pulling away in my heart

The husband was away for a long time and so when he was due home. I cleaned the house. I made sure the bed was made. I left towels and washcloths in the bathroom so it would feel even more welcoming. 


I thought I'd wash his vehicle so he'd have a nice clean vehicle. I accidently broke a part of the bug guard off. The hose at the car wash caught it and off it went so quickly! 


I told him what happened. I felt so bad. But isn't it amazing how while doing something for someone, crap like that tries to ruin it. 


Anyway, during the time away, I refueled the vehicle once. 


So when he got home he wanted the receipt. He also wanted to know what the mileage was when I refueled. I didn't remember. I can't remember that he logs the mileage at each refuel. I refuel this vehicle so very rarely. 


I felt like crap again. 


Then he said. Well if you can't remember to write the mileage. Just don't refuel it. 


I was crushed. I couldn't believe he was saying this to me. 


I told him ok. I wouldn't refuel again. I wont. 


I cried so much. It still hurt even today. It happened a few days ago. 


I did the routine of putting kids to bed, washing them up, reading stories, praying and giving sweet hugs. My kids keep me alive in so many ways. they have no idea how they are saving my life. 


He then stopped me to apologize. Said he was sorry for what he said. Are you really?  I said ok. 


I wont refuel again. 

Is it depression or just resignation?

After Seven weeks, my husband is back from working overseas. I did miss him alot when he was gone. And as usual when he is gone I think of the things I'd love to see improve so much between us.

I wish our communication was alot better where it was easy. When he returned I thought if I just be honest and let him know how I was feeling, that it would help. But I notice whenever I tried to share, speak, he'd just shut me down. I did try for a bit and then just realize, it's not working, so I've withdrawn.

I was hoping if we were communicating better, then sex wouldn't be so much of one more chore I had to do. Since that didn't work out.

I've just decided because I cannot deal with the fights about sex, I'll just offer up myself every other day so he'll be happy.

At this point there is not much else I can do but talk myself into it and hope his life feels better.

And then again, he works hard for this family so it's the least I can do.

Sound detrimental I know, but at this time in my life, this is an element of me that I've come to and while it might change, it's what will be done for now.

Then again, there is this depression that I cannot shake and it's been going on two weeks now. I usually never get depressed and if I did, it lasted a day or two and I'm back bouncing off the walls.

But C'est la vie