I need hope and help to carry on

I just broke down a bit. I've been with the kids all day. Church, home, football, car wash (washing the dh truck so he doesn't come home and find grass in it and etc)
Home, gave them a bath, dinner, and brush teeth, someone had to pee and poop and I just started to cry. I just wanted them to go to bed. 


Of course I had to give them time to digest after eating. 


And what made me cry worse was feeling that, knowing that, even when dh gets home, it wont be any different. I won't have any help then either.


He writes about how he is going to kick ball with D and show him a few tricks and spend more time with him because it's easier now that he is older. Pathetic really. A father should spend time with the kid All the time since they are born. And I don't believe it. I can't believe anything until I see it. 


I told him he needs to be telling his daughter how beautiful she is because I tell her all the time. I never had anyone tell me this as a child growing up and now I don't believe that I am at all. 
I also mentioned that if he doesn't, soon when she is older, the first boy to tell her this will have her fully. Because they'll be words she wants to hear and gets it elsewhere. 


I want to protect my children so much. 
I try so hard. But it's just me. 


And I know that he is working away but even before that , there was no difference. What will the difference be this time? 


Kids are in bed now. An hour late. I want the boy to get enough sleep for school. I get so anxious about so much.  I'm about to pull a muscle with all this stress. Sigh


I know that some day. I'll be in my own place. Alone. Just being me. Independent. 
Unless things change up to then....

A Little Love is best shown and not spoken

I would love a time when my husband comes home and takes me aside in embrace and really sit and talk with me for even five minutes. 

I would also love if he does take the kids aside and romp , fill their little emotion cup with hands on daddy, because this is what kids need.

Instead, the moment he arrives home, he rushes to get his laptop going so he can spend the rest of the night and evening playing spades with strangers online. 

This is where he invest his time.

Then he wonders why sex is the last thing on my agenda at 3am when he is ready for bed.

Yesterday, Sunday, after church. We came home around 1pm. Immediately he went online to play spades. As usual I cook and do chores, jumping online here and there, gave the kids snacks, interact with them (they come to mommy for everything), read to them etc.

Their father sat from 1:30pm - 3am playing spades. 

This is the man I marry. 

This is the heartbreak I live. 

My heart breaks more so for my children.

One day....it will not be this way and I will be loved.

Night is the new day or vice versa

Apparently my husband thinks its alright to stay up all night and then go to bed at 7/8am in the morning and sleep all day. Now why didn't I think about that. Oh I had two kids age 2 and 4 to think ABOUT!

It should not surprise me that he does this. In our five years of marriage, it has not been the first or second or third.....time. But I would think that as a man, he'd choose to be responsible and share in the day to day of his family life , especially when he gets his days off from work and have a whole week at home.

And you wonder why I'm so *#*#$*#$^( angry!


Sigh.

I took the kids to story time at the library for my daughters 3rd birthday. I hope to start going regularly. They seemed to enjoy it. I like that they interacted.

I saw a father there with his two children. Two beautiful little girls. I was shocked. So there are men who actually do these things for their family, with their family.

I know I do want more kids and since we are married, I'm sure he'll be the father, but before that, I'll have to teach myself that I will be the only one taking care of that baby. I guess  I'm used to it by now but when I say teach myself, I mean that I will not get upset that he never changes a diaper or want to feed the baby or read to them etc.

But as you can see, for  a married woman, it is hard to get her mind to think like this.

A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.