It's a wonderful life my ass

When I first watched that movie, I really felt inspired that my life had meaning and meant something.

Tonight as I sit here. with two children. No education. No money. Married to a man who could care less about being a father and a husband. I feel to say" I wish I had never been born.

My mother wouldn't have lost me and suffered such loss all those years in trying to find me.
Her father couldn't have used me against her.
My kids wouldn't have to experienced hurt from me
The man I'm married to wouldn't have to be stuck with me.

So yes, every so often, I feel that I want to wish this, even though I know how it hurt just to think it and even worse how God must feel that I would even think this.

I hate my life right now. The only thing keeping me alive from shooting myself in the head is my dear children.
I love them, and to thisi point they love me.

The man I'm married to is driving me to infuckingsanity. I don't know why he wont just accept the divorce path and move on to a better life and let me begin to make one for myself.

If we get divorce. NEver again will a ring be placed on my finger.

Marriage. It;s like a fucking death sentence!

He apologized while I was pulling away in my heart

The husband was away for a long time and so when he was due home. I cleaned the house. I made sure the bed was made. I left towels and washcloths in the bathroom so it would feel even more welcoming. 


I thought I'd wash his vehicle so he'd have a nice clean vehicle. I accidently broke a part of the bug guard off. The hose at the car wash caught it and off it went so quickly! 


I told him what happened. I felt so bad. But isn't it amazing how while doing something for someone, crap like that tries to ruin it. 


Anyway, during the time away, I refueled the vehicle once. 


So when he got home he wanted the receipt. He also wanted to know what the mileage was when I refueled. I didn't remember. I can't remember that he logs the mileage at each refuel. I refuel this vehicle so very rarely. 


I felt like crap again. 


Then he said. Well if you can't remember to write the mileage. Just don't refuel it. 


I was crushed. I couldn't believe he was saying this to me. 


I told him ok. I wouldn't refuel again. I wont. 


I cried so much. It still hurt even today. It happened a few days ago. 


I did the routine of putting kids to bed, washing them up, reading stories, praying and giving sweet hugs. My kids keep me alive in so many ways. they have no idea how they are saving my life. 


He then stopped me to apologize. Said he was sorry for what he said. Are you really?  I said ok. 


I wont refuel again. 

Home after almost two months and this is the results

Ass came home on Thursday. He didn't even hug the kids until I was reading them bed time story.

Then he was asleep Friday morning when I was up at 5am waking kids and giving them breakfast and getting them off to school.

He stayed in bed the whole fucking day.

I let at 2:30 to pick D up.
When I got back at 3pm, he was gone.

I dropped D off at school again at 4pm. Ass was still gone.

Came back home and waited. Picked D up at 5pm. And rushed home to gather books and get to the library before it closed at 6pm.
He came home just as we were leaving. Said he went to get a pair of shoes. Brought me home some spray mist from walgreens WTF? Did you smell me?

I had all the windows open. IT was cool and great to air the house out. Esp with the smell from all his clothes and shit he took home from work.

I asked him if he would be leaving again? He said not right then. I told him to close the windows when it was night.

I gave him a gift basket I had ordered for him as a welcome home present.
Snack basket from GourmetGift Baskets.

Left for the library. Got some books and movies. Went to the store to get groceries because he is home and will need food. Why? Because I care! Why the F do I care? I am wondering this even now.

Struggled in the stores with the kids. So stressed.

Got home.
The kids helped me with the groceries while he stayed in his fucking room and played on his computer.

When I got inside I asked. didn't you hear we were home? Why didn't you come help with the groceries?
'I didn't know you needed help"
I asked how he couldn't know. We spoke on the phone while I was at the store and I told him why I was shopping for groceries and it's because he was home so he could have food to eat.  So how the hell wouldn't I need help when I get home?
I said, I know I shouldn't expect any different. We've had this argument before and it has always been this way the past 7 years.

I even bought him food to eat since dinner would be late.

He actually took his food and went to eat while I had to unload the dishes. Get kids cleaned up and fed.

I cried. I cried so hard.

I cried.

Then after I put the kids to bed.
he actually went out and stayed out until 4am.

Today Saturday, he just woke up now and it's 2pm.

2fucking pm.

Welcome to my fucking life.

I need hope and help to carry on

I just broke down a bit. I've been with the kids all day. Church, home, football, car wash (washing the dh truck so he doesn't come home and find grass in it and etc)
Home, gave them a bath, dinner, and brush teeth, someone had to pee and poop and I just started to cry. I just wanted them to go to bed. 


Of course I had to give them time to digest after eating. 


And what made me cry worse was feeling that, knowing that, even when dh gets home, it wont be any different. I won't have any help then either.


He writes about how he is going to kick ball with D and show him a few tricks and spend more time with him because it's easier now that he is older. Pathetic really. A father should spend time with the kid All the time since they are born. And I don't believe it. I can't believe anything until I see it. 


I told him he needs to be telling his daughter how beautiful she is because I tell her all the time. I never had anyone tell me this as a child growing up and now I don't believe that I am at all. 
I also mentioned that if he doesn't, soon when she is older, the first boy to tell her this will have her fully. Because they'll be words she wants to hear and gets it elsewhere. 


I want to protect my children so much. 
I try so hard. But it's just me. 


And I know that he is working away but even before that , there was no difference. What will the difference be this time? 


Kids are in bed now. An hour late. I want the boy to get enough sleep for school. I get so anxious about so much.  I'm about to pull a muscle with all this stress. Sigh


I know that some day. I'll be in my own place. Alone. Just being me. Independent. 
Unless things change up to then....

The conversation about the betrayal

Like I had said before, he left Tuesday and didn't come home until Friday morning 8am. He said hi. I said hi.
He went to take a shower and came and sat down.

I figure this was a good time as any to confront him about what was happening.

Before he sat down, he handed me $400. So I asked him why he was giving me money.  He said, I thought you'd need it.

He then sat down and I said to him: So have you gotten the gambling out of your system now?

He said, what do you mean, so I said, you are an intelligent man, figure it out.

Then I said, are you ready to talk about what you have done and are doing to this family? He said : what has he done.
I lost it.
I said, don't you dare sit there and pretend like you don't know what you've done. You've broken my trust and betrayed this family again!

He said he did come home and try talking to me on the first day and I didn't speak to him or look at him.

i said, When you come in and grunt hi. That does not mean anything. A man would come in that door and say. I know we need to talk and I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be the one who have to start this conversation.

He then said he had work, which shocked me because I can't believe he came home the morning he had work! That was April 1st.

I said, listen, I don't care what work you have, you will make time to have this conversation with me about what you have done!

I said, you betrayed this family. You walked out on your kids and me without thinking of what would happen.

He said, well when I came home the boy barely looked at me.

I said. (shouted) DONT YOU DARE! DON'T YOU DARE BLAME YOUR SON!  As a parent its' your job to go to them and love them and teach them, not the other way around. We fill their love bank and show them how to love and respect and live. We do that as parents. Don't you dare blame your son!

He said, well when i was there, i stayed so long that my back and head and everything was hurting and etc etc.

I said, you know what? You need to go to work. Go to work, but just know that you will make time to have this conversation with me. And when you do, make sure I don't hear any damn whining about you blaming your son or how your back hurt or what the hell ever. I don't want to hear it. I want to hear a conversation that explains why you did this to your family and what you planned to do about it.

I got around to doing things the next few hours.

On Friday he got home from work and slept the whole evening until sometime on Saturday when he got up and mowed the lawn.

At around 8 or 9pm he said he was going downtown to get coffee. I asked him point blank if he was going to the casino again.

He said no.
I did not believe him.

He got back about an hr later. Said he had went to speak with a friend (used to be n our bible study).  I thought that was interesting, but edidn't really mean anything to me.

So I said are you ready to have that conversation with me?

He did and I sat folding laundry while he spoke. i really had nothing to say. He apologized.  Told me some of what the friend said and how it's a daily battle and etc.

I told  him, that I didn't believe he was going just downtown when he said so.

That now I can't believe him anymore and I feel he is just saying the right words for this talk, but they mean nothing to me.

I asked him what was he going to do when he ends up going again? He said i was thinking fatalistic.

I explained to him how many times this has happened before and all the promises before that.

We talked some more and hugged and that was that.

Sadly he still doesn't get it. on Sunday I guess he felt all was well and we would get intimate. I told him no. We just had a major rift and we need time to get in line with each other again. That got him upset, slamming things and all of that, as if that's going to make it any better.

All in all it seems he lost about $15,000.  I feel like I'm going to have a stroke. I'd give anything for even $100 to get clothes and stuff for my kids. 

I am assuming the $400 he gave me was just the little left in his hand after losing all the rest. 

Now apparently he is going to use our tax return to pay off credit cards. I was hoping to get the kids a trampoline for the backyard and a Xbox system.

I could just cry.

Anyway, the wound is still wide open and he still doesn't get it and how much damage he has done.

No need to hide the betrayal anymore

He came home for a bit on Tuesday night. Slept the whole time. Woke up. showered. Asked me if I wanted some money. Left $80 and said he is going back. I said, going back where, He said the casino. I didn't answer and he is gone again. Beautiful life isn't it?

It's now Wednesday 11pm and he has been gone another 24hrs.

It pains me that the kids keep asking where he is.

24hr missing

He has been away from home 24hrs now. He didn't tell me when he left, where he was going or nada. 

He has not called. 

Such a wonderful husband. 

I'm home and think I should go get something for my kids at a thrift shop. After all if he can go gamble away all we don't have, then surely I can get necessaries for the children without feeling an anxiety attack. 

Alas I can't go. My son is still sick. Has been for four days now and I'm the only one here cleaning up poop and vomit. 

At 2am lastnight he threw up again. So couldn't send him to school today. 

Poor baby 

The children always asking for daddy. When he was away working I could give valid reasons why he wasn't come. 

Now I don't even answer anymore. I just distract them or tell them to pray for daddy. 

I feel lost and vulnerable. 

No woman should ever be in this position. 

What did I do to deserve this? That's the question that made me cry at 3am lastnight. 

It's hard to sit and wonder all day and night where your spouse is

Since what happened the other day, my husband still does not have the balls to come to me and talk about what happened, even to offer an 'I"m sorry" would have been a good start.

I am so numb I don't even know where to begin.

And today (Monday) He left the house at 9am. No goodbye or see you later, or I'm going here or there and I'm sitting here at 1am Tuesday, waiting for him to at least call or come home.

How did I get here.

What did I do to deserve this?

Sigh.

But my tears will not go in vain.

I do have to go to bed though because I have children going off to school and life has to go on.

Help pray for me to be strong and to figure out what to do.

Still no conversation

It has been 2 days and still nothing from the husband. 

He finally showed up around 12am Thursday night. Sat in the couch with his dirty clothes and smell and annouced: "I'm home"

I briefly glanced away from my movie and said "Ok" 

He sat there for a few more minutes and then went to take a shower and eat. 

He eventually went to bed. 

I am not sure I felt anything. 

A good man would have walked into that door after being gone gambling away out life savings, and said. I'm here. I'm sorry and I know we need to talk. 

It's going on day 3 now and nothing. He is willing to just go about as if he didn't just broke our trust and betrayed me. 

He talks about the moles in the yard and ask me if the washing machine is working and tell me he put battery in the flashlights and he is going to the store etc. 

That is not important. What's important is that you come to me and discuss what happened. What you did to me. to our family! 

I feel like I shouldn't broach the subject and then at times I feel like I should (as always) go and say let's talk about what happened. 

Since he has been back our son has fallen ill with severe diarrhea and vomiting and i'm cleaning up yuck from floor and carpet and bedsheets being puked and pooped on and this man cannot find it in his heart to help me. 

To sit with his son

To feed him or give him a sip of water. 

All he can manage when he crawls out of bed at 5pm in the days is to ask if our son was feeling better! 

I feel so helpless. 

He has never helped me with the kids and it just sears me. 

But yes, tomorrow Sunday will be 3 days and still he can't find the balls to come and sit and talk about what he did. 

Another betrayal

So I guess when you have a great thing going, you have this natural inclination to go and hack it to pieces.

Since he got back I've been terribly depressed, but I don't let it show. I cook for him. I let him sleep in all day. He might get up to eat and play on his computer and then go to bed at which I schooled myself into the mood for his wifely needs and things have been great so far, except yesterday he woke up and said he was going to do errands. That was at 10am. 

He called at around 9pm lastnight saying he was out playing a few games and didn't realize the time had flew by so fast. So I'm thinking, well I'm glad he gets time of to enjoy since he was away working so long. He asked me when I was going to bed, I said around 11pm or so, he said ok, by the time I'm there you'll probably be asleep. UM NO I WONT. He said I love you (weird) and talk to you soon.

That soon turned into 1am at which point I was so exhausted I couldn't hold myself up anymore.  I remember wondering why did he sound so chipper as if he wanted me to believe everything was alright. And I just had a feeling that something was odd. I had a feeling what it was.

So at 1am I called him again. No answer. I tried again and he answered. I said, I thought you were coming home two hrs ago. It doesn't take that long to drive from New Iberia. What are you doing and WHERE ARE YOU?  He said he was playing some black jacks or poker or something and for some reason it didn't surprise me at all.

So I ask. Are you at a casino? Yes.
Why are you at a casino Jonathan? = I can't answer that.
I repeated the question and it was the same answer.

So I said, goodnight and hung up the phone.

I'm not sure I feel anything. But I know me and something is there and I hope it doesn't turns into rabid anger or more depression.

This is not the first time he has lied to me about going to the casino.

When we first got married, he got us in debt up to our eyes and took us years to dig out.

And here is the man, wasting our money again.

I can't even pray.

Sigh.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like I need to start thinking seirously about going back to school so I can be able to work and support myself and such if it comes to nub.

Anyway. I just wanted to get it out of me.

Oh yes, he is living the life

Dear God

My husband is living the life. He doesn't have to go back to work until the end of the month.

Today as most the other days, he slept until 3pm.

My day with the children begins at 5:45am. And I go until 3am again.

He woke up and said he was going to check moles in the yard. Then he went to buy something to get rid of them. Then we had dinner

I'm glad I was able to do the two hr cooking today that I ran out of time with yesterday.

He ate and then said he wanted to go play some pool.

I just said ok.

This is how it is most of the time anyway.

I had to put the kids to bed all by myself as always.

Oh yes he is living the life isn't he.

I wish one day he'd take the kids and ask if there is something I wanted to do by myself.

I wish one morning he'd wake up and take his son to school.

I wish.....

But God these are some of the things that weighs on my heart and makes me angry.

Sadness that comes after the anger

I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents for the kids and the man and I'm so terribly sad. Today ...rather this evening/night we had a terrible argument.

He asks why I had not cleaned the air vent and I told him, it usually take me an hr or two and I don't want to do it now, but I'd do it.

It was really yucky and needed cleaning. It hadn't been cleaned since I last cleaned it and I remember how hard that was to do.
It would have been easier for him to do since he is so much taller than me.

The evening started out with him waking up at 5pm. Yes he slept all day while as usual I'm up with the kids doing the daily stuff.  I don't know how as a father his conscience makes him sleep all day. But that's the norm around here and now I don't even get angry about it anymore.

He woke up, stalking around the house wanting to suddenly change lightbulbs, walking on the carpet with his nasty shoes. He knows I HATE shoes on my carpet! HATE it. I play around on our carpet with the kids and I don't think shoes should be on it. I don't think shoes should be worn in the home period. It's nasty. The dirty shoes you wear outside and step in all sort of crap should NEVER come into your home!

He mentioned that my not wanting shoes in the carpet is getting old. I reacted. I told him that we play and sit and roll around on our carpet and nasty shoes, should not be on it. He said it was a matter of cleaning the carpet then. I told him no. It's a matter of not wearing the shoes in the house in the first place because it's nasty!

He went on stomping around wanting to fix the outside light and etc. Bear in mind. It's been two days now since I told him about the light being out. Why on earth is he waking up at 5pm acting like it's top of the morning to change lightbulbs is beyond me.

He eventually left for the store and I asked if he could pick up something to eat.

After he left, I went to clean the air vent, thinking that I'd have it cleaned and surprise him when he got back.

I couldn't open the ladder, so I just leaned it against the wall.

He came in and saw the ladder against the wall and went off. I got down and said, ok, you fix it so I can finish. I was so upset that I started to cry. And I was trying hard to count to ten so that I wouldn't get angry. During this time he kept demanding that I come look at how to open the ladder.  I was still counting , hoping to calm down.

I eventually said, ok, I am sorry I'm a  moron and can't do anything to please you. He said, well the wall is important and you should know not to lean a ladder against it because it's sheet rock and it will damage easy. I told him, I didn't know anything about the wall like that and didn't think it would damage it because people lean ladders against walls all the time. He asked me what people? If it was the people in my country. I said yes.

I told him I didn't know how to open the ladder and just wanted to clean the vent so he would stop talking about it and it would be clean.
He said well the instructions are on the ladder and of course it was an argument and I quipped maybe I can't read and he said, well let your kids read it to you.

My children are age 3 and 5 and read very well because I've taught them. I alone have taught them.
I said, sure, when they are older, they will love to take care of their mother.

He then took the ladder back to the garage, muttering that I was pissing him off, came back and tried to close the vent.
I went out and I looked him dead in the eye and I said with as much venom as was felt inside me, if you put that fucking vent up. I will take it down and clean it. and if you put it up 10 times I will take it down and if you keep doing it, I'll bring the hose inside this house and spray wash that crap.

Our daughter was right there, he grabbed her and swat her bottom, saying he told her to go in the other room and then asked my why was I being so foul. I told him I did not care.

So I used a spin chair to stand on and cleaned the vent and then stood on the bin to put it back up after I was done.

He was around for a bit and then left as I was vacuuming the carpet.

It's 1:30am and he isn't back. I'm sure he feels lots better not being around me.

I'm also sure he wont be back until maybe 3 or 4am...

at 10pm I tried calling him because I needed meds for my son who was burning up with fever. there was no answer.
I had to wake my 3 yr old up and took my 5yr old and jump in the vehicle to go get meds for my son.

Even if he had answered...so many hrs later, my son would still be here waiting on this medicine.

This is one of the times when I just hate my life.

Hate that I feel trapped.

Of course it's hard to type all that happened, but that is basically my marriage for you.

My heart aches for my relationship

My heart aches for my relationship.

It's like I"m outside watching it die. My husband does not think it's that bad. It is and he is hiding his head in the sand.

We have nothing in common, it doesn't seem and we do nothing together as a couple or as a family.

I take care of the kids, teach them everything, always with them and he works , come home, sit with his computer, I feed him dinner and keep interacting with my kids until it's their bedtime and then I do the routine I do every night to get them settled in and he sits with his computer and then when it's fulfilled him enough and he wants dessert he sends out signals that I'm suppose to pick up.

However this is not going to work and I'm not going to do the sorry for sex.

This is my body. If it's the only thing I truly own, is my body and I refuse to let it be used just for sex. Like a prostitute.

A few days ago, he was sending out signals. I had a heart to heart with him and told him that I wouldn't mind having sex with him or other, if things were healthier in other areas of our lives. We need to invest in each other as a couple. We need something in the love back to draw from so that the act of sex doesn't seem forced. Like a duty. One more chore.

Talk to me.

Date me.

Help me at home with the kids and with housework.

Be alive with me.

Be with us.

I thought it got through to him, but a day later and it's the same attitude. And I'm sure he expect that I will just fall into bed and present my body to make him happy. It is not going to happen.

And each day we grow farther and farther away. We are becoming strangers. I'm becoming the nanny.

A crab will sit in cold water on fire until it is too late.

Another silence has begun

The silence is on again.

It is how I deal with things after a blow out. At first the silence will be tense and I keep wondering if I should say something to cut the silence and make things more pleasant, but to me that would mean, going into a pretense that things are great when they are not.

It must be hashed out.

The story.

Yesterday the husband slept all day. Finally woke sometime after 6pm. I started dinner at 6pm so it was close to finished.

I thought I'd greet him instead of just letting him mope around like he always do.

We were watching Deal or no deal and playing balloons, my son and I.

Then it was dinner and I asked if he wanted to watch a movie as I'd seen Marley and Me earlier in the day and thought it would make a good movie for us all.

He proceeded to seem to blame me that I should have discussed the movie with him first. um hello? did you hear me just asked if you want to watch a movie? How about asking what it's about etc and then that would start the discussing.

After meal the kids played , while I did laundry and folding laundry is not fun at all so I turned the tv on again to deal or no deal to watch while I folded.

he started playing a game with our son. Ok . whatever.

After all that, I got the kids teeth brushed and faces and hands washed and pajamas on in preparation for bedtime.
I read their stories and offered water and then told them to go give their father a kiss.

He came in to delay...or pray. I left the room.

The kids came to hug me later and ask that I put them to bed. I did with kisses and I love yous etc.

Then I did some email reading and went to do my hair which I had washed earlier in the day. It takes a long time to flat iron my hair. Of course I turned the tv on again to just watch while I labor.

It's 12am at night and he finally comes out his room where he was the whole time after praying with the kids.
He started to do emails and whatever. Then ask me if I still wanted to watch that movie. I am in the middle of a show and yes I want to see the ending. We all know how that is right?

I told him I wanted to finish the show I was watching.

No. acknowledgement.

Whatever.

At 2am I'm just finishing up my hair and another show begins. He is still doing email or whatever on the computer.

I finished my hair , running to and from during commercials.

At 2:30am he asks me when I'm going to bed which i find strange since he knows that I always stay up as late as 3am etc , esp on weekends. It does not matter that I have to get up at 8am for church.

So I said, um is my presence disturbing you? He proceeds to tell me that I watch too much tv.

Are you kidding me? This man that sleeps all day even know what I do!!!

I said, I don't , or rarely watch tv in the day and I see no problem watching at night.

Plus it helps if I'm doing something else and can't hold a book to read.

He then asks when is he supposed to do taxes?

By golly, why then didn't he just say he wanted to focus on taxes and the tv is distracting him? instead of trying to belittle me by saying I watch too much tv.

Of course I want him to do taxes. So I took my tea, and snack (yes I eat at 3am in the morning) and went in the bedroom to finish my show and just relax.

Five minutes later he wakes in, saying he is too tired and wants to go to sleep. I'm fucking shocked! Are you kidding me here????? You just said you wanted quiet to do taxes! You WOKE UP AT 6PM from sleeping all day!!!

So I gather my things to leave again and he tells me that I'm running away from him. WTF! How on earth do I please this person? So I busted out laughing and I said, you are too funny.

And we got into the tv argument and I told him, I need a job to get one for myself (which means I'd need an apartment to put it in and pay for my own electricity etc) and that if he desires to not have tv on then he should sell the ones we have.

We have two. One we bought and one a neighbor gave to me.

I woke up this morning Sunday to get the kids ready for bed. I do this all by myself every Sunday and then five minutes before we leave, guess who wakes up and tells me how soon we have to leave?? Yes . The husband who doesn't think he needs to do anything with his family.

I have two kids that I have to groom, and feed, and get ready plus myself. Every Sunday, I do it all alone.
So this morning, I figure I'd just get the kids ready and send them off with him. I don't feel like going to church smiling with anyone like life is fucking great. Whatever.

Tell me where I'm not thinking straight here.
I don't mind.

But these are just a few of the crap I put up with every day.

Apparently my husband thinks his only job in this family is to provide the dough and put in light bulbs and mow the lawn.

I must get myself educated (degree) and get a good job so I can have some say in this life.