I need hope and help to carry on

I just broke down a bit. I've been with the kids all day. Church, home, football, car wash (washing the dh truck so he doesn't come home and find grass in it and etc)
Home, gave them a bath, dinner, and brush teeth, someone had to pee and poop and I just started to cry. I just wanted them to go to bed. 


Of course I had to give them time to digest after eating. 


And what made me cry worse was feeling that, knowing that, even when dh gets home, it wont be any different. I won't have any help then either.


He writes about how he is going to kick ball with D and show him a few tricks and spend more time with him because it's easier now that he is older. Pathetic really. A father should spend time with the kid All the time since they are born. And I don't believe it. I can't believe anything until I see it. 


I told him he needs to be telling his daughter how beautiful she is because I tell her all the time. I never had anyone tell me this as a child growing up and now I don't believe that I am at all. 
I also mentioned that if he doesn't, soon when she is older, the first boy to tell her this will have her fully. Because they'll be words she wants to hear and gets it elsewhere. 


I want to protect my children so much. 
I try so hard. But it's just me. 


And I know that he is working away but even before that , there was no difference. What will the difference be this time? 


Kids are in bed now. An hour late. I want the boy to get enough sleep for school. I get so anxious about so much.  I'm about to pull a muscle with all this stress. Sigh


I know that some day. I'll be in my own place. Alone. Just being me. Independent. 
Unless things change up to then....

Oh yes, he is living the life

Dear God

My husband is living the life. He doesn't have to go back to work until the end of the month.

Today as most the other days, he slept until 3pm.

My day with the children begins at 5:45am. And I go until 3am again.

He woke up and said he was going to check moles in the yard. Then he went to buy something to get rid of them. Then we had dinner

I'm glad I was able to do the two hr cooking today that I ran out of time with yesterday.

He ate and then said he wanted to go play some pool.

I just said ok.

This is how it is most of the time anyway.

I had to put the kids to bed all by myself as always.

Oh yes he is living the life isn't he.

I wish one day he'd take the kids and ask if there is something I wanted to do by myself.

I wish one morning he'd wake up and take his son to school.

I wish.....

But God these are some of the things that weighs on my heart and makes me angry.

Tonight I cried

I notice since my husband have returned from working overseas in Australia

I always keep hoping I can talk to him or just be honest with how I feel but it never seems to happen because of his little ways of shutting me down and basically telling me to shut up.

I remember telling my daughter to pick her sweat up off the floor for the umpteenth time that day and I was explaining to her why she can't just throw her clothes on the kitchen floor or etc floors and dh comes in to say. Don't do the whole drama thing, just tell her to pick it up. I went balistic. I'm the one who has to keep telling her to pick her stuff up and learn the right way to put things away. I was speaking calmly and explaining to her so she'd understand and perhaps not do the same ting next time. 

So while brushing my kids teeth tonight I realize what he is doing. He doesn't have time to listen to me talk. He doesn't want an explanation of what happened.
So I guess the illusion I had that maybe I could have more discussions with him is out the window if I can't have simple day to day conversations that happen in life.

I just need to keep finding the attitude to give the sex because it seems that's my only good contribution that wont get any put downs.

As they say, its life. You can't change someone else, but you can change yourself. that everytime I'm speaking or if he ask me something and I'm trying to explain it, he'll cut me off and say, I don't want the long story. I just want one answer. It hurts and it makes me cry. 

Is it depression or just resignation?

After Seven weeks, my husband is back from working overseas. I did miss him alot when he was gone. And as usual when he is gone I think of the things I'd love to see improve so much between us.

I wish our communication was alot better where it was easy. When he returned I thought if I just be honest and let him know how I was feeling, that it would help. But I notice whenever I tried to share, speak, he'd just shut me down. I did try for a bit and then just realize, it's not working, so I've withdrawn.

I was hoping if we were communicating better, then sex wouldn't be so much of one more chore I had to do. Since that didn't work out.

I've just decided because I cannot deal with the fights about sex, I'll just offer up myself every other day so he'll be happy.

At this point there is not much else I can do but talk myself into it and hope his life feels better.

And then again, he works hard for this family so it's the least I can do.

Sound detrimental I know, but at this time in my life, this is an element of me that I've come to and while it might change, it's what will be done for now.

Then again, there is this depression that I cannot shake and it's been going on two weeks now. I usually never get depressed and if I did, it lasted a day or two and I'm back bouncing off the walls.

But C'est la vie

A Little Love is best shown and not spoken

I would love a time when my husband comes home and takes me aside in embrace and really sit and talk with me for even five minutes. 

I would also love if he does take the kids aside and romp , fill their little emotion cup with hands on daddy, because this is what kids need.

Instead, the moment he arrives home, he rushes to get his laptop going so he can spend the rest of the night and evening playing spades with strangers online. 

This is where he invest his time.

Then he wonders why sex is the last thing on my agenda at 3am when he is ready for bed.

Yesterday, Sunday, after church. We came home around 1pm. Immediately he went online to play spades. As usual I cook and do chores, jumping online here and there, gave the kids snacks, interact with them (they come to mommy for everything), read to them etc.

Their father sat from 1:30pm - 3am playing spades. 

This is the man I marry. 

This is the heartbreak I live. 

My heart breaks more so for my children.

One day....it will not be this way and I will be loved.