He apologized while I was pulling away in my heart

The husband was away for a long time and so when he was due home. I cleaned the house. I made sure the bed was made. I left towels and washcloths in the bathroom so it would feel even more welcoming. 


I thought I'd wash his vehicle so he'd have a nice clean vehicle. I accidently broke a part of the bug guard off. The hose at the car wash caught it and off it went so quickly! 


I told him what happened. I felt so bad. But isn't it amazing how while doing something for someone, crap like that tries to ruin it. 


Anyway, during the time away, I refueled the vehicle once. 


So when he got home he wanted the receipt. He also wanted to know what the mileage was when I refueled. I didn't remember. I can't remember that he logs the mileage at each refuel. I refuel this vehicle so very rarely. 


I felt like crap again. 


Then he said. Well if you can't remember to write the mileage. Just don't refuel it. 


I was crushed. I couldn't believe he was saying this to me. 


I told him ok. I wouldn't refuel again. I wont. 


I cried so much. It still hurt even today. It happened a few days ago. 


I did the routine of putting kids to bed, washing them up, reading stories, praying and giving sweet hugs. My kids keep me alive in so many ways. they have no idea how they are saving my life. 


He then stopped me to apologize. Said he was sorry for what he said. Are you really?  I said ok. 


I wont refuel again. 

Home after almost two months and this is the results

Ass came home on Thursday. He didn't even hug the kids until I was reading them bed time story.

Then he was asleep Friday morning when I was up at 5am waking kids and giving them breakfast and getting them off to school.

He stayed in bed the whole fucking day.

I let at 2:30 to pick D up.
When I got back at 3pm, he was gone.

I dropped D off at school again at 4pm. Ass was still gone.

Came back home and waited. Picked D up at 5pm. And rushed home to gather books and get to the library before it closed at 6pm.
He came home just as we were leaving. Said he went to get a pair of shoes. Brought me home some spray mist from walgreens WTF? Did you smell me?

I had all the windows open. IT was cool and great to air the house out. Esp with the smell from all his clothes and shit he took home from work.

I asked him if he would be leaving again? He said not right then. I told him to close the windows when it was night.

I gave him a gift basket I had ordered for him as a welcome home present.
Snack basket from GourmetGift Baskets.

Left for the library. Got some books and movies. Went to the store to get groceries because he is home and will need food. Why? Because I care! Why the F do I care? I am wondering this even now.

Struggled in the stores with the kids. So stressed.

Got home.
The kids helped me with the groceries while he stayed in his fucking room and played on his computer.

When I got inside I asked. didn't you hear we were home? Why didn't you come help with the groceries?
'I didn't know you needed help"
I asked how he couldn't know. We spoke on the phone while I was at the store and I told him why I was shopping for groceries and it's because he was home so he could have food to eat.  So how the hell wouldn't I need help when I get home?
I said, I know I shouldn't expect any different. We've had this argument before and it has always been this way the past 7 years.

I even bought him food to eat since dinner would be late.

He actually took his food and went to eat while I had to unload the dishes. Get kids cleaned up and fed.

I cried. I cried so hard.

I cried.

Then after I put the kids to bed.
he actually went out and stayed out until 4am.

Today Saturday, he just woke up now and it's 2pm.

2fucking pm.

Welcome to my fucking life.

I need hope and help to carry on

I just broke down a bit. I've been with the kids all day. Church, home, football, car wash (washing the dh truck so he doesn't come home and find grass in it and etc)
Home, gave them a bath, dinner, and brush teeth, someone had to pee and poop and I just started to cry. I just wanted them to go to bed. 


Of course I had to give them time to digest after eating. 


And what made me cry worse was feeling that, knowing that, even when dh gets home, it wont be any different. I won't have any help then either.


He writes about how he is going to kick ball with D and show him a few tricks and spend more time with him because it's easier now that he is older. Pathetic really. A father should spend time with the kid All the time since they are born. And I don't believe it. I can't believe anything until I see it. 


I told him he needs to be telling his daughter how beautiful she is because I tell her all the time. I never had anyone tell me this as a child growing up and now I don't believe that I am at all. 
I also mentioned that if he doesn't, soon when she is older, the first boy to tell her this will have her fully. Because they'll be words she wants to hear and gets it elsewhere. 


I want to protect my children so much. 
I try so hard. But it's just me. 


And I know that he is working away but even before that , there was no difference. What will the difference be this time? 


Kids are in bed now. An hour late. I want the boy to get enough sleep for school. I get so anxious about so much.  I'm about to pull a muscle with all this stress. Sigh


I know that some day. I'll be in my own place. Alone. Just being me. Independent. 
Unless things change up to then....

I don't get to walk away from my kids

We've been here 3 days and 3 nights.

Not once has hubs helped me with the children to put them to bed, or help burshing teeth and grooming before bed and/or in the mornings when they awake to go out.

We've been staying here in AL to visit his father's side of the family for the Christmas holiday.

It's Christmas night and we came home to the hotel to rest up for the trip home tomorrow.

I was getting the kids ready for bed, brushing teeth and etc.

Suddenly he left the room. I asked where he was going and he said lobby. I thought maybe he is going to get something.

He stayed away for more than an hr.

I finished getting the kids to bed and tried to relax. 

When he came in and I asked him where he was (I was starting to worry) and he said lobby. He was checking out the football and on the internet.
So I asked if he just wanted to get away from us and he said yes. He just wanted some peace and quiet.

I could cry or laugh.

I never get to walk away from my kids saying I have to go get some peace and quiet.

This makes me terribly sad and shy away even more from having more kids.

Terribly sad I tell you.

And it's not the first time this has happened. I should be used to it by now, but I am not. 

Sadness that comes after the anger

I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents for the kids and the man and I'm so terribly sad. Today ...rather this evening/night we had a terrible argument.

He asks why I had not cleaned the air vent and I told him, it usually take me an hr or two and I don't want to do it now, but I'd do it.

It was really yucky and needed cleaning. It hadn't been cleaned since I last cleaned it and I remember how hard that was to do.
It would have been easier for him to do since he is so much taller than me.

The evening started out with him waking up at 5pm. Yes he slept all day while as usual I'm up with the kids doing the daily stuff.  I don't know how as a father his conscience makes him sleep all day. But that's the norm around here and now I don't even get angry about it anymore.

He woke up, stalking around the house wanting to suddenly change lightbulbs, walking on the carpet with his nasty shoes. He knows I HATE shoes on my carpet! HATE it. I play around on our carpet with the kids and I don't think shoes should be on it. I don't think shoes should be worn in the home period. It's nasty. The dirty shoes you wear outside and step in all sort of crap should NEVER come into your home!

He mentioned that my not wanting shoes in the carpet is getting old. I reacted. I told him that we play and sit and roll around on our carpet and nasty shoes, should not be on it. He said it was a matter of cleaning the carpet then. I told him no. It's a matter of not wearing the shoes in the house in the first place because it's nasty!

He went on stomping around wanting to fix the outside light and etc. Bear in mind. It's been two days now since I told him about the light being out. Why on earth is he waking up at 5pm acting like it's top of the morning to change lightbulbs is beyond me.

He eventually left for the store and I asked if he could pick up something to eat.

After he left, I went to clean the air vent, thinking that I'd have it cleaned and surprise him when he got back.

I couldn't open the ladder, so I just leaned it against the wall.

He came in and saw the ladder against the wall and went off. I got down and said, ok, you fix it so I can finish. I was so upset that I started to cry. And I was trying hard to count to ten so that I wouldn't get angry. During this time he kept demanding that I come look at how to open the ladder.  I was still counting , hoping to calm down.

I eventually said, ok, I am sorry I'm a  moron and can't do anything to please you. He said, well the wall is important and you should know not to lean a ladder against it because it's sheet rock and it will damage easy. I told him, I didn't know anything about the wall like that and didn't think it would damage it because people lean ladders against walls all the time. He asked me what people? If it was the people in my country. I said yes.

I told him I didn't know how to open the ladder and just wanted to clean the vent so he would stop talking about it and it would be clean.
He said well the instructions are on the ladder and of course it was an argument and I quipped maybe I can't read and he said, well let your kids read it to you.

My children are age 3 and 5 and read very well because I've taught them. I alone have taught them.
I said, sure, when they are older, they will love to take care of their mother.

He then took the ladder back to the garage, muttering that I was pissing him off, came back and tried to close the vent.
I went out and I looked him dead in the eye and I said with as much venom as was felt inside me, if you put that fucking vent up. I will take it down and clean it. and if you put it up 10 times I will take it down and if you keep doing it, I'll bring the hose inside this house and spray wash that crap.

Our daughter was right there, he grabbed her and swat her bottom, saying he told her to go in the other room and then asked my why was I being so foul. I told him I did not care.

So I used a spin chair to stand on and cleaned the vent and then stood on the bin to put it back up after I was done.

He was around for a bit and then left as I was vacuuming the carpet.

It's 1:30am and he isn't back. I'm sure he feels lots better not being around me.

I'm also sure he wont be back until maybe 3 or 4am...

at 10pm I tried calling him because I needed meds for my son who was burning up with fever. there was no answer.
I had to wake my 3 yr old up and took my 5yr old and jump in the vehicle to go get meds for my son.

Even if he had answered...so many hrs later, my son would still be here waiting on this medicine.

This is one of the times when I just hate my life.

Hate that I feel trapped.

Of course it's hard to type all that happened, but that is basically my marriage for you.

My heart aches for my relationship

My heart aches for my relationship.

It's like I"m outside watching it die. My husband does not think it's that bad. It is and he is hiding his head in the sand.

We have nothing in common, it doesn't seem and we do nothing together as a couple or as a family.

I take care of the kids, teach them everything, always with them and he works , come home, sit with his computer, I feed him dinner and keep interacting with my kids until it's their bedtime and then I do the routine I do every night to get them settled in and he sits with his computer and then when it's fulfilled him enough and he wants dessert he sends out signals that I'm suppose to pick up.

However this is not going to work and I'm not going to do the sorry for sex.

This is my body. If it's the only thing I truly own, is my body and I refuse to let it be used just for sex. Like a prostitute.

A few days ago, he was sending out signals. I had a heart to heart with him and told him that I wouldn't mind having sex with him or other, if things were healthier in other areas of our lives. We need to invest in each other as a couple. We need something in the love back to draw from so that the act of sex doesn't seem forced. Like a duty. One more chore.

Talk to me.

Date me.

Help me at home with the kids and with housework.

Be alive with me.

Be with us.

I thought it got through to him, but a day later and it's the same attitude. And I'm sure he expect that I will just fall into bed and present my body to make him happy. It is not going to happen.

And each day we grow farther and farther away. We are becoming strangers. I'm becoming the nanny.

A crab will sit in cold water on fire until it is too late.

He feeds my spirit

The husband and I had a good strong talk after a few sloggy emails. Our talk was like food to my soul. I do love the man and want us to have a successful relationship!

We've been going through a very rough dry patch, both emotionally and spiritually. It's been really hard on me and my responses were shutting down.

Sometimes I feel like if I knew I was going to be a failure at being a wife and mother, I'd not have made that choice.

I just need something in my bank to help me fight when I'm low in spirit.

So onward to travel together as a family.

They come violently

The tears do.

There's no warning when they might come, but they come and I'm wracked, brought to my knees, curled up. Sometimes my mouth opens and nothing comes out. Sometimes the howl of pain. I try to stop it. I must stop crying because I can cry myself into exhaustion. And that's not a good feeling.

Tonight they came because of memories of growing up alone.

In a cold and unforgiving orphanage.

The tears brought accusations: 'This is why I can't be a good mother to my own children", 'This is why I can't be a good wife to my husband", "This is why, I can't be a good person"....

and the questions: ' Why does it have to be this hard to fight to learn to be good?' 'Why is it so hard to force myself to change?'

It wrenches.

...and then the force of the tears die a little

I can breathe

Little more sobs

...then the sigh.

Not a sigh of relief or one of those sweet sighs you get. Just a sigh.

I'm ok now and tomorrow I"ll try being a better wife and mother and person.

Maybe God will meet me.

He promised to.