The husband was away for a long time and so when he was due home. I cleaned the house. I made sure the bed was made. I left towels and washcloths in the bathroom so it would feel even more welcoming.
I thought I'd wash his vehicle so he'd have a nice clean vehicle. I accidently broke a part of the bug guard off. The hose at the car wash caught it and off it went so quickly!
I told him what happened. I felt so bad. But isn't it amazing how while doing something for someone, crap like that tries to ruin it.
Anyway, during the time away, I refueled the vehicle once.
So when he got home he wanted the receipt. He also wanted to know what the mileage was when I refueled. I didn't remember. I can't remember that he logs the mileage at each refuel. I refuel this vehicle so very rarely.
I felt like crap again.
Then he said. Well if you can't remember to write the mileage. Just don't refuel it.
I was crushed. I couldn't believe he was saying this to me.
I told him ok. I wouldn't refuel again. I wont.
I cried so much. It still hurt even today. It happened a few days ago.
I did the routine of putting kids to bed, washing them up, reading stories, praying and giving sweet hugs. My kids keep me alive in so many ways. they have no idea how they are saving my life.
He then stopped me to apologize. Said he was sorry for what he said. Are you really? I said ok.
I wont refuel again.
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Oh yes, he is living the life
Dear God
My husband is living the life. He doesn't have to go back to work until the end of the month.
Today as most the other days, he slept until 3pm.
My day with the children begins at 5:45am. And I go until 3am again.
He woke up and said he was going to check moles in the yard. Then he went to buy something to get rid of them. Then we had dinner
I'm glad I was able to do the two hr cooking today that I ran out of time with yesterday.
He ate and then said he wanted to go play some pool.
I just said ok.
This is how it is most of the time anyway.
I had to put the kids to bed all by myself as always.
Oh yes he is living the life isn't he.
I wish one day he'd take the kids and ask if there is something I wanted to do by myself.
I wish one morning he'd wake up and take his son to school.
I wish.....
Today as most the other days, he slept until 3pm.
My day with the children begins at 5:45am. And I go until 3am again.
He woke up and said he was going to check moles in the yard. Then he went to buy something to get rid of them. Then we had dinner
I'm glad I was able to do the two hr cooking today that I ran out of time with yesterday.
He ate and then said he wanted to go play some pool.
I just said ok.
This is how it is most of the time anyway.
I had to put the kids to bed all by myself as always.
Oh yes he is living the life isn't he.
I wish one day he'd take the kids and ask if there is something I wanted to do by myself.
I wish one morning he'd wake up and take his son to school.
I wish.....
But God these are some of the things that weighs on my heart and makes me angry.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Tonight I cried
I notice since my husband have returned from working overseas in Australia
I always keep hoping I can talk to him or just be honest with how I feel but it never seems to happen because of his little ways of shutting me down and basically telling me to shut up.
I remember telling my daughter to pick her sweat up off the floor for the umpteenth time that day and I was explaining to her why she can't just throw her clothes on the kitchen floor or etc floors and dh comes in to say. Don't do the whole drama thing, just tell her to pick it up. I went balistic. I'm the one who has to keep telling her to pick her stuff up and learn the right way to put things away. I was speaking calmly and explaining to her so she'd understand and perhaps not do the same ting next time.
So while brushing my kids teeth tonight I realize what he is doing. He doesn't have time to listen to me talk. He doesn't want an explanation of what happened.
So I guess the illusion I had that maybe I could have more discussions with him is out the window if I can't have simple day to day conversations that happen in life.
I just need to keep finding the attitude to give the sex because it seems that's my only good contribution that wont get any put downs.
As they say, its life. You can't change someone else, but you can change yourself. that everytime I'm speaking or if he ask me something and I'm trying to explain it, he'll cut me off and say, I don't want the long story. I just want one answer. It hurts and it makes me cry.
I always keep hoping I can talk to him or just be honest with how I feel but it never seems to happen because of his little ways of shutting me down and basically telling me to shut up.
I remember telling my daughter to pick her sweat up off the floor for the umpteenth time that day and I was explaining to her why she can't just throw her clothes on the kitchen floor or etc floors and dh comes in to say. Don't do the whole drama thing, just tell her to pick it up. I went balistic. I'm the one who has to keep telling her to pick her stuff up and learn the right way to put things away. I was speaking calmly and explaining to her so she'd understand and perhaps not do the same ting next time.
So while brushing my kids teeth tonight I realize what he is doing. He doesn't have time to listen to me talk. He doesn't want an explanation of what happened.
So I guess the illusion I had that maybe I could have more discussions with him is out the window if I can't have simple day to day conversations that happen in life.
I just need to keep finding the attitude to give the sex because it seems that's my only good contribution that wont get any put downs.
As they say, its life. You can't change someone else, but you can change yourself. that everytime I'm speaking or if he ask me something and I'm trying to explain it, he'll cut me off and say, I don't want the long story. I just want one answer. It hurts and it makes me cry.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Is it depression or just resignation?
After Seven weeks, my husband is back from working overseas. I did miss him alot when he was gone. And as usual when he is gone I think of the things I'd love to see improve so much between us.
I wish our communication was alot better where it was easy. When he returned I thought if I just be honest and let him know how I was feeling, that it would help. But I notice whenever I tried to share, speak, he'd just shut me down. I did try for a bit and then just realize, it's not working, so I've withdrawn.
I was hoping if we were communicating better, then sex wouldn't be so much of one more chore I had to do. Since that didn't work out.
I've just decided because I cannot deal with the fights about sex, I'll just offer up myself every other day so he'll be happy.
At this point there is not much else I can do but talk myself into it and hope his life feels better.
And then again, he works hard for this family so it's the least I can do.
Sound detrimental I know, but at this time in my life, this is an element of me that I've come to and while it might change, it's what will be done for now.
Then again, there is this depression that I cannot shake and it's been going on two weeks now. I usually never get depressed and if I did, it lasted a day or two and I'm back bouncing off the walls.
But C'est la vie
I wish our communication was alot better where it was easy. When he returned I thought if I just be honest and let him know how I was feeling, that it would help. But I notice whenever I tried to share, speak, he'd just shut me down. I did try for a bit and then just realize, it's not working, so I've withdrawn.
I was hoping if we were communicating better, then sex wouldn't be so much of one more chore I had to do. Since that didn't work out.
I've just decided because I cannot deal with the fights about sex, I'll just offer up myself every other day so he'll be happy.
At this point there is not much else I can do but talk myself into it and hope his life feels better.
And then again, he works hard for this family so it's the least I can do.
Sound detrimental I know, but at this time in my life, this is an element of me that I've come to and while it might change, it's what will be done for now.
Then again, there is this depression that I cannot shake and it's been going on two weeks now. I usually never get depressed and if I did, it lasted a day or two and I'm back bouncing off the walls.
But C'est la vie
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sadness that comes after the anger
I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents for the kids and the man and I'm so terribly sad. Today ...rather this evening/night we had a terrible argument.
He asks why I had not cleaned the air vent and I told him, it usually take me an hr or two and I don't want to do it now, but I'd do it.
It was really yucky and needed cleaning. It hadn't been cleaned since I last cleaned it and I remember how hard that was to do.
It would have been easier for him to do since he is so much taller than me.
The evening started out with him waking up at 5pm. Yes he slept all day while as usual I'm up with the kids doing the daily stuff. I don't know how as a father his conscience makes him sleep all day. But that's the norm around here and now I don't even get angry about it anymore.
He woke up, stalking around the house wanting to suddenly change lightbulbs, walking on the carpet with his nasty shoes. He knows I HATE shoes on my carpet! HATE it. I play around on our carpet with the kids and I don't think shoes should be on it. I don't think shoes should be worn in the home period. It's nasty. The dirty shoes you wear outside and step in all sort of crap should NEVER come into your home!
He mentioned that my not wanting shoes in the carpet is getting old. I reacted. I told him that we play and sit and roll around on our carpet and nasty shoes, should not be on it. He said it was a matter of cleaning the carpet then. I told him no. It's a matter of not wearing the shoes in the house in the first place because it's nasty!
He went on stomping around wanting to fix the outside light and etc. Bear in mind. It's been two days now since I told him about the light being out. Why on earth is he waking up at 5pm acting like it's top of the morning to change lightbulbs is beyond me.
He eventually left for the store and I asked if he could pick up something to eat.
After he left, I went to clean the air vent, thinking that I'd have it cleaned and surprise him when he got back.
I couldn't open the ladder, so I just leaned it against the wall.
He came in and saw the ladder against the wall and went off. I got down and said, ok, you fix it so I can finish. I was so upset that I started to cry. And I was trying hard to count to ten so that I wouldn't get angry. During this time he kept demanding that I come look at how to open the ladder. I was still counting , hoping to calm down.
I eventually said, ok, I am sorry I'm a moron and can't do anything to please you. He said, well the wall is important and you should know not to lean a ladder against it because it's sheet rock and it will damage easy. I told him, I didn't know anything about the wall like that and didn't think it would damage it because people lean ladders against walls all the time. He asked me what people? If it was the people in my country. I said yes.
I told him I didn't know how to open the ladder and just wanted to clean the vent so he would stop talking about it and it would be clean.
He said well the instructions are on the ladder and of course it was an argument and I quipped maybe I can't read and he said, well let your kids read it to you.
My children are age 3 and 5 and read very well because I've taught them. I alone have taught them.
I said, sure, when they are older, they will love to take care of their mother.
He then took the ladder back to the garage, muttering that I was pissing him off, came back and tried to close the vent.
I went out and I looked him dead in the eye and I said with as much venom as was felt inside me, if you put that fucking vent up. I will take it down and clean it. and if you put it up 10 times I will take it down and if you keep doing it, I'll bring the hose inside this house and spray wash that crap.
Our daughter was right there, he grabbed her and swat her bottom, saying he told her to go in the other room and then asked my why was I being so foul. I told him I did not care.
So I used a spin chair to stand on and cleaned the vent and then stood on the bin to put it back up after I was done.
He was around for a bit and then left as I was vacuuming the carpet.
It's 1:30am and he isn't back. I'm sure he feels lots better not being around me.
I'm also sure he wont be back until maybe 3 or 4am...
at 10pm I tried calling him because I needed meds for my son who was burning up with fever. there was no answer.
I had to wake my 3 yr old up and took my 5yr old and jump in the vehicle to go get meds for my son.
Even if he had answered...so many hrs later, my son would still be here waiting on this medicine.
This is one of the times when I just hate my life.
Hate that I feel trapped.
Of course it's hard to type all that happened, but that is basically my marriage for you.
He asks why I had not cleaned the air vent and I told him, it usually take me an hr or two and I don't want to do it now, but I'd do it.
It was really yucky and needed cleaning. It hadn't been cleaned since I last cleaned it and I remember how hard that was to do.
It would have been easier for him to do since he is so much taller than me.
The evening started out with him waking up at 5pm. Yes he slept all day while as usual I'm up with the kids doing the daily stuff. I don't know how as a father his conscience makes him sleep all day. But that's the norm around here and now I don't even get angry about it anymore.
He woke up, stalking around the house wanting to suddenly change lightbulbs, walking on the carpet with his nasty shoes. He knows I HATE shoes on my carpet! HATE it. I play around on our carpet with the kids and I don't think shoes should be on it. I don't think shoes should be worn in the home period. It's nasty. The dirty shoes you wear outside and step in all sort of crap should NEVER come into your home!
He mentioned that my not wanting shoes in the carpet is getting old. I reacted. I told him that we play and sit and roll around on our carpet and nasty shoes, should not be on it. He said it was a matter of cleaning the carpet then. I told him no. It's a matter of not wearing the shoes in the house in the first place because it's nasty!
He went on stomping around wanting to fix the outside light and etc. Bear in mind. It's been two days now since I told him about the light being out. Why on earth is he waking up at 5pm acting like it's top of the morning to change lightbulbs is beyond me.
He eventually left for the store and I asked if he could pick up something to eat.
After he left, I went to clean the air vent, thinking that I'd have it cleaned and surprise him when he got back.
I couldn't open the ladder, so I just leaned it against the wall.
He came in and saw the ladder against the wall and went off. I got down and said, ok, you fix it so I can finish. I was so upset that I started to cry. And I was trying hard to count to ten so that I wouldn't get angry. During this time he kept demanding that I come look at how to open the ladder. I was still counting , hoping to calm down.
I eventually said, ok, I am sorry I'm a moron and can't do anything to please you. He said, well the wall is important and you should know not to lean a ladder against it because it's sheet rock and it will damage easy. I told him, I didn't know anything about the wall like that and didn't think it would damage it because people lean ladders against walls all the time. He asked me what people? If it was the people in my country. I said yes.
I told him I didn't know how to open the ladder and just wanted to clean the vent so he would stop talking about it and it would be clean.
He said well the instructions are on the ladder and of course it was an argument and I quipped maybe I can't read and he said, well let your kids read it to you.
My children are age 3 and 5 and read very well because I've taught them. I alone have taught them.
I said, sure, when they are older, they will love to take care of their mother.
He then took the ladder back to the garage, muttering that I was pissing him off, came back and tried to close the vent.
I went out and I looked him dead in the eye and I said with as much venom as was felt inside me, if you put that fucking vent up. I will take it down and clean it. and if you put it up 10 times I will take it down and if you keep doing it, I'll bring the hose inside this house and spray wash that crap.
Our daughter was right there, he grabbed her and swat her bottom, saying he told her to go in the other room and then asked my why was I being so foul. I told him I did not care.
So I used a spin chair to stand on and cleaned the vent and then stood on the bin to put it back up after I was done.
He was around for a bit and then left as I was vacuuming the carpet.
It's 1:30am and he isn't back. I'm sure he feels lots better not being around me.
I'm also sure he wont be back until maybe 3 or 4am...
at 10pm I tried calling him because I needed meds for my son who was burning up with fever. there was no answer.
I had to wake my 3 yr old up and took my 5yr old and jump in the vehicle to go get meds for my son.
Even if he had answered...so many hrs later, my son would still be here waiting on this medicine.
This is one of the times when I just hate my life.
Hate that I feel trapped.
Of course it's hard to type all that happened, but that is basically my marriage for you.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Maybe it will be too late
Tonight dh tells me he is going to a sports bar to watch the game and then go play pool afterwards.
That's alright I tell him.
I never stop him from going. I think as a man he should go out and enjoy himself. I just wish he'd think of dating me in the same way.
Maybe one day before it's too late, he'll realize this.
Maybe....
That's alright I tell him.
I never stop him from going. I think as a man he should go out and enjoy himself. I just wish he'd think of dating me in the same way.
Maybe one day before it's too late, he'll realize this.
Maybe....
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Night is the new day or vice versa
Apparently my husband thinks its alright to stay up all night and then go to bed at 7/8am in the morning and sleep all day. Now why didn't I think about that. Oh I had two kids age 2 and 4 to think ABOUT!
It should not surprise me that he does this. In our five years of marriage, it has not been the first or second or third.....time. But I would think that as a man, he'd choose to be responsible and share in the day to day of his family life , especially when he gets his days off from work and have a whole week at home.
And you wonder why I'm so *#*#$*#$^( angry!
Sigh.
I took the kids to story time at the library for my daughters 3rd birthday. I hope to start going regularly. They seemed to enjoy it. I like that they interacted.
I saw a father there with his two children. Two beautiful little girls. I was shocked. So there are men who actually do these things for their family, with their family.
I know I do want more kids and since we are married, I'm sure he'll be the father, but before that, I'll have to teach myself that I will be the only one taking care of that baby. I guess I'm used to it by now but when I say teach myself, I mean that I will not get upset that he never changes a diaper or want to feed the baby or read to them etc.
But as you can see, for a married woman, it is hard to get her mind to think like this.
A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.
It should not surprise me that he does this. In our five years of marriage, it has not been the first or second or third.....time. But I would think that as a man, he'd choose to be responsible and share in the day to day of his family life , especially when he gets his days off from work and have a whole week at home.
And you wonder why I'm so *#*#$*#$^( angry!
Sigh.
I took the kids to story time at the library for my daughters 3rd birthday. I hope to start going regularly. They seemed to enjoy it. I like that they interacted.
I saw a father there with his two children. Two beautiful little girls. I was shocked. So there are men who actually do these things for their family, with their family.
I know I do want more kids and since we are married, I'm sure he'll be the father, but before that, I'll have to teach myself that I will be the only one taking care of that baby. I guess I'm used to it by now but when I say teach myself, I mean that I will not get upset that he never changes a diaper or want to feed the baby or read to them etc.
But as you can see, for a married woman, it is hard to get her mind to think like this.
A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.
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