Apparently my husband thinks its alright to stay up all night and then go to bed at 7/8am in the morning and sleep all day. Now why didn't I think about that. Oh I had two kids age 2 and 4 to think ABOUT!
It should not surprise me that he does this. In our five years of marriage, it has not been the first or second or third.....time. But I would think that as a man, he'd choose to be responsible and share in the day to day of his family life , especially when he gets his days off from work and have a whole week at home.
And you wonder why I'm so *#*#$*#$^( angry!
Sigh.
I took the kids to story time at the library for my daughters 3rd birthday. I hope to start going regularly. They seemed to enjoy it. I like that they interacted.
I saw a father there with his two children. Two beautiful little girls. I was shocked. So there are men who actually do these things for their family, with their family.
I know I do want more kids and since we are married, I'm sure he'll be the father, but before that, I'll have to teach myself that I will be the only one taking care of that baby. I guess I'm used to it by now but when I say teach myself, I mean that I will not get upset that he never changes a diaper or want to feed the baby or read to them etc.
But as you can see, for a married woman, it is hard to get her mind to think like this.
A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Another silence has begun
The silence is on again.
It is how I deal with things after a blow out. At first the silence will be tense and I keep wondering if I should say something to cut the silence and make things more pleasant, but to me that would mean, going into a pretense that things are great when they are not.
It must be hashed out.
The story.
Yesterday the husband slept all day. Finally woke sometime after 6pm. I started dinner at 6pm so it was close to finished.
I thought I'd greet him instead of just letting him mope around like he always do.
We were watching Deal or no deal and playing balloons, my son and I.
Then it was dinner and I asked if he wanted to watch a movie as I'd seen Marley and Me earlier in the day and thought it would make a good movie for us all.
He proceeded to seem to blame me that I should have discussed the movie with him first. um hello? did you hear me just asked if you want to watch a movie? How about asking what it's about etc and then that would start the discussing.
After meal the kids played , while I did laundry and folding laundry is not fun at all so I turned the tv on again to deal or no deal to watch while I folded.
he started playing a game with our son. Ok . whatever.
After all that, I got the kids teeth brushed and faces and hands washed and pajamas on in preparation for bedtime.
I read their stories and offered water and then told them to go give their father a kiss.
He came in to delay...or pray. I left the room.
The kids came to hug me later and ask that I put them to bed. I did with kisses and I love yous etc.
Then I did some email reading and went to do my hair which I had washed earlier in the day. It takes a long time to flat iron my hair. Of course I turned the tv on again to just watch while I labor.
It's 12am at night and he finally comes out his room where he was the whole time after praying with the kids.
He started to do emails and whatever. Then ask me if I still wanted to watch that movie. I am in the middle of a show and yes I want to see the ending. We all know how that is right?
I told him I wanted to finish the show I was watching.
No. acknowledgement.
Whatever.
At 2am I'm just finishing up my hair and another show begins. He is still doing email or whatever on the computer.
I finished my hair , running to and from during commercials.
At 2:30am he asks me when I'm going to bed which i find strange since he knows that I always stay up as late as 3am etc , esp on weekends. It does not matter that I have to get up at 8am for church.
So I said, um is my presence disturbing you? He proceeds to tell me that I watch too much tv.
Are you kidding me? This man that sleeps all day even know what I do!!!
I said, I don't , or rarely watch tv in the day and I see no problem watching at night.
Plus it helps if I'm doing something else and can't hold a book to read.
He then asks when is he supposed to do taxes?
By golly, why then didn't he just say he wanted to focus on taxes and the tv is distracting him? instead of trying to belittle me by saying I watch too much tv.
Of course I want him to do taxes. So I took my tea, and snack (yes I eat at 3am in the morning) and went in the bedroom to finish my show and just relax.
Five minutes later he wakes in, saying he is too tired and wants to go to sleep. I'm fucking shocked! Are you kidding me here????? You just said you wanted quiet to do taxes! You WOKE UP AT 6PM from sleeping all day!!!
So I gather my things to leave again and he tells me that I'm running away from him. WTF! How on earth do I please this person? So I busted out laughing and I said, you are too funny.
And we got into the tv argument and I told him, I need a job to get one for myself (which means I'd need an apartment to put it in and pay for my own electricity etc) and that if he desires to not have tv on then he should sell the ones we have.
We have two. One we bought and one a neighbor gave to me.
I woke up this morning Sunday to get the kids ready for bed. I do this all by myself every Sunday and then five minutes before we leave, guess who wakes up and tells me how soon we have to leave?? Yes . The husband who doesn't think he needs to do anything with his family.
I have two kids that I have to groom, and feed, and get ready plus myself. Every Sunday, I do it all alone.
So this morning, I figure I'd just get the kids ready and send them off with him. I don't feel like going to church smiling with anyone like life is fucking great. Whatever.
Tell me where I'm not thinking straight here.
I don't mind.
But these are just a few of the crap I put up with every day.
Apparently my husband thinks his only job in this family is to provide the dough and put in light bulbs and mow the lawn.
I must get myself educated (degree) and get a good job so I can have some say in this life.
It is how I deal with things after a blow out. At first the silence will be tense and I keep wondering if I should say something to cut the silence and make things more pleasant, but to me that would mean, going into a pretense that things are great when they are not.
It must be hashed out.
The story.
Yesterday the husband slept all day. Finally woke sometime after 6pm. I started dinner at 6pm so it was close to finished.
I thought I'd greet him instead of just letting him mope around like he always do.
We were watching Deal or no deal and playing balloons, my son and I.
Then it was dinner and I asked if he wanted to watch a movie as I'd seen Marley and Me earlier in the day and thought it would make a good movie for us all.
He proceeded to seem to blame me that I should have discussed the movie with him first. um hello? did you hear me just asked if you want to watch a movie? How about asking what it's about etc and then that would start the discussing.
After meal the kids played , while I did laundry and folding laundry is not fun at all so I turned the tv on again to deal or no deal to watch while I folded.
he started playing a game with our son. Ok . whatever.
After all that, I got the kids teeth brushed and faces and hands washed and pajamas on in preparation for bedtime.
I read their stories and offered water and then told them to go give their father a kiss.
He came in to delay...or pray. I left the room.
The kids came to hug me later and ask that I put them to bed. I did with kisses and I love yous etc.
Then I did some email reading and went to do my hair which I had washed earlier in the day. It takes a long time to flat iron my hair. Of course I turned the tv on again to just watch while I labor.
It's 12am at night and he finally comes out his room where he was the whole time after praying with the kids.
He started to do emails and whatever. Then ask me if I still wanted to watch that movie. I am in the middle of a show and yes I want to see the ending. We all know how that is right?
I told him I wanted to finish the show I was watching.
No. acknowledgement.
Whatever.
At 2am I'm just finishing up my hair and another show begins. He is still doing email or whatever on the computer.
I finished my hair , running to and from during commercials.
At 2:30am he asks me when I'm going to bed which i find strange since he knows that I always stay up as late as 3am etc , esp on weekends. It does not matter that I have to get up at 8am for church.
So I said, um is my presence disturbing you? He proceeds to tell me that I watch too much tv.
Are you kidding me? This man that sleeps all day even know what I do!!!
I said, I don't , or rarely watch tv in the day and I see no problem watching at night.
Plus it helps if I'm doing something else and can't hold a book to read.
He then asks when is he supposed to do taxes?
By golly, why then didn't he just say he wanted to focus on taxes and the tv is distracting him? instead of trying to belittle me by saying I watch too much tv.
Of course I want him to do taxes. So I took my tea, and snack (yes I eat at 3am in the morning) and went in the bedroom to finish my show and just relax.
Five minutes later he wakes in, saying he is too tired and wants to go to sleep. I'm fucking shocked! Are you kidding me here????? You just said you wanted quiet to do taxes! You WOKE UP AT 6PM from sleeping all day!!!
So I gather my things to leave again and he tells me that I'm running away from him. WTF! How on earth do I please this person? So I busted out laughing and I said, you are too funny.
And we got into the tv argument and I told him, I need a job to get one for myself (which means I'd need an apartment to put it in and pay for my own electricity etc) and that if he desires to not have tv on then he should sell the ones we have.
We have two. One we bought and one a neighbor gave to me.
I woke up this morning Sunday to get the kids ready for bed. I do this all by myself every Sunday and then five minutes before we leave, guess who wakes up and tells me how soon we have to leave?? Yes . The husband who doesn't think he needs to do anything with his family.
I have two kids that I have to groom, and feed, and get ready plus myself. Every Sunday, I do it all alone.
So this morning, I figure I'd just get the kids ready and send them off with him. I don't feel like going to church smiling with anyone like life is fucking great. Whatever.
Tell me where I'm not thinking straight here.
I don't mind.
But these are just a few of the crap I put up with every day.
Apparently my husband thinks his only job in this family is to provide the dough and put in light bulbs and mow the lawn.
I must get myself educated (degree) and get a good job so I can have some say in this life.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
He feeds my spirit
The husband and I had a good strong talk after a few sloggy emails. Our talk was like food to my soul. I do love the man and want us to have a successful relationship!
We've been going through a very rough dry patch, both emotionally and spiritually. It's been really hard on me and my responses were shutting down.
Sometimes I feel like if I knew I was going to be a failure at being a wife and mother, I'd not have made that choice.
I just need something in my bank to help me fight when I'm low in spirit.
So onward to travel together as a family.
We've been going through a very rough dry patch, both emotionally and spiritually. It's been really hard on me and my responses were shutting down.
Sometimes I feel like if I knew I was going to be a failure at being a wife and mother, I'd not have made that choice.
I just need something in my bank to help me fight when I'm low in spirit.
So onward to travel together as a family.
Friday, September 25, 2009
What's wrong with this picture?
Lastnight I went to bed at 5am. I woke at 10am! Thank you for kids who sleep in! Actually no, they were awake since 9am! I had to get up and get them food and settled and with one on my lap fell back asleep for another 45mins or so.
My husband went to bed the same time.
Of course I am up and about teaching and being involved with my kids and reading a novel and blogging some and he sleeps until 3:45pm Friday evening!!!
Get's up, had cold cereal. Played with his laptop. Took a shower and told me he was going to play some sort of game with friends.
I still have my kids. they snack, and eat lunch and one took a nap , while I entertain the 4yr old.
I do laundry.
I make dinner.
He is still out by the way and I can tell you, I'll brush teeth, wash faces, read stories and tuck kids in and he wont be back in time to say goodnight to them.
I'll finish laundry and do email and he'll come home to come laud me about the fun he had.
Well he wont want sex tonight since aunt flo is visiting.
However if it was another night....you could see why I would not want to right?
This day happens often in our home. These add to the reasons why I'm pissed. Because I want a husband who is involved in my life and a father involved in the children's lives.
Sigh.
Are my expectations too high?
Is it too hard for him to even come in one day and say, he love, come sit and talk with me. I want to know your day today.
And so it continues.
Maybe if I write about it, I wont blow up in anger.....maybe.
My husband went to bed the same time.
Of course I am up and about teaching and being involved with my kids and reading a novel and blogging some and he sleeps until 3:45pm Friday evening!!!
Get's up, had cold cereal. Played with his laptop. Took a shower and told me he was going to play some sort of game with friends.
I still have my kids. they snack, and eat lunch and one took a nap , while I entertain the 4yr old.
I do laundry.
I make dinner.
He is still out by the way and I can tell you, I'll brush teeth, wash faces, read stories and tuck kids in and he wont be back in time to say goodnight to them.
I'll finish laundry and do email and he'll come home to come laud me about the fun he had.
Well he wont want sex tonight since aunt flo is visiting.
However if it was another night....you could see why I would not want to right?
This day happens often in our home. These add to the reasons why I'm pissed. Because I want a husband who is involved in my life and a father involved in the children's lives.
Sigh.
Are my expectations too high?
Is it too hard for him to even come in one day and say, he love, come sit and talk with me. I want to know your day today.
And so it continues.
Maybe if I write about it, I wont blow up in anger.....maybe.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
They come violently
The tears do.
There's no warning when they might come, but they come and I'm wracked, brought to my knees, curled up. Sometimes my mouth opens and nothing comes out. Sometimes the howl of pain. I try to stop it. I must stop crying because I can cry myself into exhaustion. And that's not a good feeling.
Tonight they came because of memories of growing up alone.
In a cold and unforgiving orphanage.
The tears brought accusations: 'This is why I can't be a good mother to my own children", 'This is why I can't be a good wife to my husband", "This is why, I can't be a good person"....
and the questions: ' Why does it have to be this hard to fight to learn to be good?' 'Why is it so hard to force myself to change?'
It wrenches.
...and then the force of the tears die a little
I can breathe
Little more sobs
...then the sigh.
Not a sigh of relief or one of those sweet sighs you get. Just a sigh.
I'm ok now and tomorrow I"ll try being a better wife and mother and person.
Maybe God will meet me.
He promised to.
There's no warning when they might come, but they come and I'm wracked, brought to my knees, curled up. Sometimes my mouth opens and nothing comes out. Sometimes the howl of pain. I try to stop it. I must stop crying because I can cry myself into exhaustion. And that's not a good feeling.
Tonight they came because of memories of growing up alone.
In a cold and unforgiving orphanage.
The tears brought accusations: 'This is why I can't be a good mother to my own children", 'This is why I can't be a good wife to my husband", "This is why, I can't be a good person"....
and the questions: ' Why does it have to be this hard to fight to learn to be good?' 'Why is it so hard to force myself to change?'
It wrenches.
...and then the force of the tears die a little
I can breathe
Little more sobs
...then the sigh.
Not a sigh of relief or one of those sweet sighs you get. Just a sigh.
I'm ok now and tomorrow I"ll try being a better wife and mother and person.
Maybe God will meet me.
He promised to.
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