No need to hide the betrayal anymore

He came home for a bit on Tuesday night. Slept the whole time. Woke up. showered. Asked me if I wanted some money. Left $80 and said he is going back. I said, going back where, He said the casino. I didn't answer and he is gone again. Beautiful life isn't it?

It's now Wednesday 11pm and he has been gone another 24hrs.

It pains me that the kids keep asking where he is.

24hr missing

He has been away from home 24hrs now. He didn't tell me when he left, where he was going or nada. 

He has not called. 

Such a wonderful husband. 

I'm home and think I should go get something for my kids at a thrift shop. After all if he can go gamble away all we don't have, then surely I can get necessaries for the children without feeling an anxiety attack. 

Alas I can't go. My son is still sick. Has been for four days now and I'm the only one here cleaning up poop and vomit. 

At 2am lastnight he threw up again. So couldn't send him to school today. 

Poor baby 

The children always asking for daddy. When he was away working I could give valid reasons why he wasn't come. 

Now I don't even answer anymore. I just distract them or tell them to pray for daddy. 

I feel lost and vulnerable. 

No woman should ever be in this position. 

What did I do to deserve this? That's the question that made me cry at 3am lastnight. 

It's hard to sit and wonder all day and night where your spouse is

Since what happened the other day, my husband still does not have the balls to come to me and talk about what happened, even to offer an 'I"m sorry" would have been a good start.

I am so numb I don't even know where to begin.

And today (Monday) He left the house at 9am. No goodbye or see you later, or I'm going here or there and I'm sitting here at 1am Tuesday, waiting for him to at least call or come home.

How did I get here.

What did I do to deserve this?

Sigh.

But my tears will not go in vain.

I do have to go to bed though because I have children going off to school and life has to go on.

Help pray for me to be strong and to figure out what to do.

Still no conversation

It has been 2 days and still nothing from the husband. 

He finally showed up around 12am Thursday night. Sat in the couch with his dirty clothes and smell and annouced: "I'm home"

I briefly glanced away from my movie and said "Ok" 

He sat there for a few more minutes and then went to take a shower and eat. 

He eventually went to bed. 

I am not sure I felt anything. 

A good man would have walked into that door after being gone gambling away out life savings, and said. I'm here. I'm sorry and I know we need to talk. 

It's going on day 3 now and nothing. He is willing to just go about as if he didn't just broke our trust and betrayed me. 

He talks about the moles in the yard and ask me if the washing machine is working and tell me he put battery in the flashlights and he is going to the store etc. 

That is not important. What's important is that you come to me and discuss what happened. What you did to me. to our family! 

I feel like I shouldn't broach the subject and then at times I feel like I should (as always) go and say let's talk about what happened. 

Since he has been back our son has fallen ill with severe diarrhea and vomiting and i'm cleaning up yuck from floor and carpet and bedsheets being puked and pooped on and this man cannot find it in his heart to help me. 

To sit with his son

To feed him or give him a sip of water. 

All he can manage when he crawls out of bed at 5pm in the days is to ask if our son was feeling better! 

I feel so helpless. 

He has never helped me with the kids and it just sears me. 

But yes, tomorrow Sunday will be 3 days and still he can't find the balls to come and sit and talk about what he did. 

Another betrayal

So I guess when you have a great thing going, you have this natural inclination to go and hack it to pieces.

Since he got back I've been terribly depressed, but I don't let it show. I cook for him. I let him sleep in all day. He might get up to eat and play on his computer and then go to bed at which I schooled myself into the mood for his wifely needs and things have been great so far, except yesterday he woke up and said he was going to do errands. That was at 10am. 

He called at around 9pm lastnight saying he was out playing a few games and didn't realize the time had flew by so fast. So I'm thinking, well I'm glad he gets time of to enjoy since he was away working so long. He asked me when I was going to bed, I said around 11pm or so, he said ok, by the time I'm there you'll probably be asleep. UM NO I WONT. He said I love you (weird) and talk to you soon.

That soon turned into 1am at which point I was so exhausted I couldn't hold myself up anymore.  I remember wondering why did he sound so chipper as if he wanted me to believe everything was alright. And I just had a feeling that something was odd. I had a feeling what it was.

So at 1am I called him again. No answer. I tried again and he answered. I said, I thought you were coming home two hrs ago. It doesn't take that long to drive from New Iberia. What are you doing and WHERE ARE YOU?  He said he was playing some black jacks or poker or something and for some reason it didn't surprise me at all.

So I ask. Are you at a casino? Yes.
Why are you at a casino Jonathan? = I can't answer that.
I repeated the question and it was the same answer.

So I said, goodnight and hung up the phone.

I'm not sure I feel anything. But I know me and something is there and I hope it doesn't turns into rabid anger or more depression.

This is not the first time he has lied to me about going to the casino.

When we first got married, he got us in debt up to our eyes and took us years to dig out.

And here is the man, wasting our money again.

I can't even pray.

Sigh.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like I need to start thinking seirously about going back to school so I can be able to work and support myself and such if it comes to nub.

Anyway. I just wanted to get it out of me.

Oh yes, he is living the life

Dear God

My husband is living the life. He doesn't have to go back to work until the end of the month.

Today as most the other days, he slept until 3pm.

My day with the children begins at 5:45am. And I go until 3am again.

He woke up and said he was going to check moles in the yard. Then he went to buy something to get rid of them. Then we had dinner

I'm glad I was able to do the two hr cooking today that I ran out of time with yesterday.

He ate and then said he wanted to go play some pool.

I just said ok.

This is how it is most of the time anyway.

I had to put the kids to bed all by myself as always.

Oh yes he is living the life isn't he.

I wish one day he'd take the kids and ask if there is something I wanted to do by myself.

I wish one morning he'd wake up and take his son to school.

I wish.....

But God these are some of the things that weighs on my heart and makes me angry.

Tonight I cried

I notice since my husband have returned from working overseas in Australia

I always keep hoping I can talk to him or just be honest with how I feel but it never seems to happen because of his little ways of shutting me down and basically telling me to shut up.

I remember telling my daughter to pick her sweat up off the floor for the umpteenth time that day and I was explaining to her why she can't just throw her clothes on the kitchen floor or etc floors and dh comes in to say. Don't do the whole drama thing, just tell her to pick it up. I went balistic. I'm the one who has to keep telling her to pick her stuff up and learn the right way to put things away. I was speaking calmly and explaining to her so she'd understand and perhaps not do the same ting next time. 

So while brushing my kids teeth tonight I realize what he is doing. He doesn't have time to listen to me talk. He doesn't want an explanation of what happened.
So I guess the illusion I had that maybe I could have more discussions with him is out the window if I can't have simple day to day conversations that happen in life.

I just need to keep finding the attitude to give the sex because it seems that's my only good contribution that wont get any put downs.

As they say, its life. You can't change someone else, but you can change yourself. that everytime I'm speaking or if he ask me something and I'm trying to explain it, he'll cut me off and say, I don't want the long story. I just want one answer. It hurts and it makes me cry. 

Is it depression or just resignation?

After Seven weeks, my husband is back from working overseas. I did miss him alot when he was gone. And as usual when he is gone I think of the things I'd love to see improve so much between us.

I wish our communication was alot better where it was easy. When he returned I thought if I just be honest and let him know how I was feeling, that it would help. But I notice whenever I tried to share, speak, he'd just shut me down. I did try for a bit and then just realize, it's not working, so I've withdrawn.

I was hoping if we were communicating better, then sex wouldn't be so much of one more chore I had to do. Since that didn't work out.

I've just decided because I cannot deal with the fights about sex, I'll just offer up myself every other day so he'll be happy.

At this point there is not much else I can do but talk myself into it and hope his life feels better.

And then again, he works hard for this family so it's the least I can do.

Sound detrimental I know, but at this time in my life, this is an element of me that I've come to and while it might change, it's what will be done for now.

Then again, there is this depression that I cannot shake and it's been going on two weeks now. I usually never get depressed and if I did, it lasted a day or two and I'm back bouncing off the walls.

But C'est la vie