I'm learning

I'm forcing myself to have no expectations of people so that I wont be constantly disappointed.


Just like this note is reminding me.

Now I need to do this more than ever with my husband who keeps ripping my heart out.

It's a wonderful life my ass

When I first watched that movie, I really felt inspired that my life had meaning and meant something.

Tonight as I sit here. with two children. No education. No money. Married to a man who could care less about being a father and a husband. I feel to say" I wish I had never been born.

My mother wouldn't have lost me and suffered such loss all those years in trying to find me.
Her father couldn't have used me against her.
My kids wouldn't have to experienced hurt from me
The man I'm married to wouldn't have to be stuck with me.

So yes, every so often, I feel that I want to wish this, even though I know how it hurt just to think it and even worse how God must feel that I would even think this.

I hate my life right now. The only thing keeping me alive from shooting myself in the head is my dear children.
I love them, and to thisi point they love me.

The man I'm married to is driving me to infuckingsanity. I don't know why he wont just accept the divorce path and move on to a better life and let me begin to make one for myself.

If we get divorce. NEver again will a ring be placed on my finger.

Marriage. It;s like a fucking death sentence!

He apologized while I was pulling away in my heart

The husband was away for a long time and so when he was due home. I cleaned the house. I made sure the bed was made. I left towels and washcloths in the bathroom so it would feel even more welcoming. 


I thought I'd wash his vehicle so he'd have a nice clean vehicle. I accidently broke a part of the bug guard off. The hose at the car wash caught it and off it went so quickly! 


I told him what happened. I felt so bad. But isn't it amazing how while doing something for someone, crap like that tries to ruin it. 


Anyway, during the time away, I refueled the vehicle once. 


So when he got home he wanted the receipt. He also wanted to know what the mileage was when I refueled. I didn't remember. I can't remember that he logs the mileage at each refuel. I refuel this vehicle so very rarely. 


I felt like crap again. 


Then he said. Well if you can't remember to write the mileage. Just don't refuel it. 


I was crushed. I couldn't believe he was saying this to me. 


I told him ok. I wouldn't refuel again. I wont. 


I cried so much. It still hurt even today. It happened a few days ago. 


I did the routine of putting kids to bed, washing them up, reading stories, praying and giving sweet hugs. My kids keep me alive in so many ways. they have no idea how they are saving my life. 


He then stopped me to apologize. Said he was sorry for what he said. Are you really?  I said ok. 


I wont refuel again. 

A daily happening in my seven years

Woke at 8:30am

Got kids ready for church, brush teeth, wash face, got their hair done. Breakfast. Dressed for church.

Tried to eat myself and get dressed.

Church begins at 10:45am.

I want to leave at 10:15am.

Husband wakes at 10:15am. Then begins to complain about what he doesn't have to wear. I rushed into the closet and took out a bunch of shirts for him to choose from.

Rushed to finish getting dressed.

10:32 man is asking me for pen to write check for offering and tithes. WTH? You couldn't have done that last night???????????????? Oh no, you left the house at 9pm and stayed out until 5am.

Wonder where you went.

Waited in vehicle for husband. Vehicle stinks of smoke. Wonders if he went to casino again. OMG.

He finally comes out and I ask him about the smell and if he went to casino. He says no. Only to play pool.

I'm starting to have doubts again.

I don't feel I can trust him.

Went to church. Kids loved it. Worship was very good! I learned a few things. During service I feel I should touch his shoulder so he doesn't feel alone or separated. I did.

A few minutes later he tries to hold my hand.

We did communion. I try so hard to clear my thoughts of bitterness and ask forgiveness from God.  before taking the bread.

The kids played for a bit at playground after church.

Got home, and played with kids, fed them, did dishes, still doing laundry for the family.

Gave the kids dinner, dessert. movie and now they are playing.

I'll be brushing teeth and washing faces and reading them bed time stories and praying in just a few mintues.

I promise you. He will not be there praying with us.

All the did was come home. sat in his chair. with foot in water that leaked out on the frigging carpet because he didn't hear when I said, using that damn pan was a bad idea.

Asked for food, watched sports.

Asked me to have sex. I helped him out. He knows I can't have sex. I'm having my period.

I gave him a hand job.
And since then he is in his room on his computer. No time to spend with me or the family.

This is my marriage.

At least some of the daily crap I can remember.

I feel I want to cry but I don't want to waste anymore tears.

Home after almost two months and this is the results

Ass came home on Thursday. He didn't even hug the kids until I was reading them bed time story.

Then he was asleep Friday morning when I was up at 5am waking kids and giving them breakfast and getting them off to school.

He stayed in bed the whole fucking day.

I let at 2:30 to pick D up.
When I got back at 3pm, he was gone.

I dropped D off at school again at 4pm. Ass was still gone.

Came back home and waited. Picked D up at 5pm. And rushed home to gather books and get to the library before it closed at 6pm.
He came home just as we were leaving. Said he went to get a pair of shoes. Brought me home some spray mist from walgreens WTF? Did you smell me?

I had all the windows open. IT was cool and great to air the house out. Esp with the smell from all his clothes and shit he took home from work.

I asked him if he would be leaving again? He said not right then. I told him to close the windows when it was night.

I gave him a gift basket I had ordered for him as a welcome home present.
Snack basket from GourmetGift Baskets.

Left for the library. Got some books and movies. Went to the store to get groceries because he is home and will need food. Why? Because I care! Why the F do I care? I am wondering this even now.

Struggled in the stores with the kids. So stressed.

Got home.
The kids helped me with the groceries while he stayed in his fucking room and played on his computer.

When I got inside I asked. didn't you hear we were home? Why didn't you come help with the groceries?
'I didn't know you needed help"
I asked how he couldn't know. We spoke on the phone while I was at the store and I told him why I was shopping for groceries and it's because he was home so he could have food to eat.  So how the hell wouldn't I need help when I get home?
I said, I know I shouldn't expect any different. We've had this argument before and it has always been this way the past 7 years.

I even bought him food to eat since dinner would be late.

He actually took his food and went to eat while I had to unload the dishes. Get kids cleaned up and fed.

I cried. I cried so hard.

I cried.

Then after I put the kids to bed.
he actually went out and stayed out until 4am.

Today Saturday, he just woke up now and it's 2pm.

2fucking pm.

Welcome to my fucking life.

I need hope and help to carry on

I just broke down a bit. I've been with the kids all day. Church, home, football, car wash (washing the dh truck so he doesn't come home and find grass in it and etc)
Home, gave them a bath, dinner, and brush teeth, someone had to pee and poop and I just started to cry. I just wanted them to go to bed. 


Of course I had to give them time to digest after eating. 


And what made me cry worse was feeling that, knowing that, even when dh gets home, it wont be any different. I won't have any help then either.


He writes about how he is going to kick ball with D and show him a few tricks and spend more time with him because it's easier now that he is older. Pathetic really. A father should spend time with the kid All the time since they are born. And I don't believe it. I can't believe anything until I see it. 


I told him he needs to be telling his daughter how beautiful she is because I tell her all the time. I never had anyone tell me this as a child growing up and now I don't believe that I am at all. 
I also mentioned that if he doesn't, soon when she is older, the first boy to tell her this will have her fully. Because they'll be words she wants to hear and gets it elsewhere. 


I want to protect my children so much. 
I try so hard. But it's just me. 


And I know that he is working away but even before that , there was no difference. What will the difference be this time? 


Kids are in bed now. An hour late. I want the boy to get enough sleep for school. I get so anxious about so much.  I'm about to pull a muscle with all this stress. Sigh


I know that some day. I'll be in my own place. Alone. Just being me. Independent. 
Unless things change up to then....

The conversation about the betrayal

Like I had said before, he left Tuesday and didn't come home until Friday morning 8am. He said hi. I said hi.
He went to take a shower and came and sat down.

I figure this was a good time as any to confront him about what was happening.

Before he sat down, he handed me $400. So I asked him why he was giving me money.  He said, I thought you'd need it.

He then sat down and I said to him: So have you gotten the gambling out of your system now?

He said, what do you mean, so I said, you are an intelligent man, figure it out.

Then I said, are you ready to talk about what you have done and are doing to this family? He said : what has he done.
I lost it.
I said, don't you dare sit there and pretend like you don't know what you've done. You've broken my trust and betrayed this family again!

He said he did come home and try talking to me on the first day and I didn't speak to him or look at him.

i said, When you come in and grunt hi. That does not mean anything. A man would come in that door and say. I know we need to talk and I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be the one who have to start this conversation.

He then said he had work, which shocked me because I can't believe he came home the morning he had work! That was April 1st.

I said, listen, I don't care what work you have, you will make time to have this conversation with me about what you have done!

I said, you betrayed this family. You walked out on your kids and me without thinking of what would happen.

He said, well when I came home the boy barely looked at me.

I said. (shouted) DONT YOU DARE! DON'T YOU DARE BLAME YOUR SON!  As a parent its' your job to go to them and love them and teach them, not the other way around. We fill their love bank and show them how to love and respect and live. We do that as parents. Don't you dare blame your son!

He said, well when i was there, i stayed so long that my back and head and everything was hurting and etc etc.

I said, you know what? You need to go to work. Go to work, but just know that you will make time to have this conversation with me. And when you do, make sure I don't hear any damn whining about you blaming your son or how your back hurt or what the hell ever. I don't want to hear it. I want to hear a conversation that explains why you did this to your family and what you planned to do about it.

I got around to doing things the next few hours.

On Friday he got home from work and slept the whole evening until sometime on Saturday when he got up and mowed the lawn.

At around 8 or 9pm he said he was going downtown to get coffee. I asked him point blank if he was going to the casino again.

He said no.
I did not believe him.

He got back about an hr later. Said he had went to speak with a friend (used to be n our bible study).  I thought that was interesting, but edidn't really mean anything to me.

So I said are you ready to have that conversation with me?

He did and I sat folding laundry while he spoke. i really had nothing to say. He apologized.  Told me some of what the friend said and how it's a daily battle and etc.

I told  him, that I didn't believe he was going just downtown when he said so.

That now I can't believe him anymore and I feel he is just saying the right words for this talk, but they mean nothing to me.

I asked him what was he going to do when he ends up going again? He said i was thinking fatalistic.

I explained to him how many times this has happened before and all the promises before that.

We talked some more and hugged and that was that.

Sadly he still doesn't get it. on Sunday I guess he felt all was well and we would get intimate. I told him no. We just had a major rift and we need time to get in line with each other again. That got him upset, slamming things and all of that, as if that's going to make it any better.

All in all it seems he lost about $15,000.  I feel like I'm going to have a stroke. I'd give anything for even $100 to get clothes and stuff for my kids. 

I am assuming the $400 he gave me was just the little left in his hand after losing all the rest. 

Now apparently he is going to use our tax return to pay off credit cards. I was hoping to get the kids a trampoline for the backyard and a Xbox system.

I could just cry.

Anyway, the wound is still wide open and he still doesn't get it and how much damage he has done.

No need to hide the betrayal anymore

He came home for a bit on Tuesday night. Slept the whole time. Woke up. showered. Asked me if I wanted some money. Left $80 and said he is going back. I said, going back where, He said the casino. I didn't answer and he is gone again. Beautiful life isn't it?

It's now Wednesday 11pm and he has been gone another 24hrs.

It pains me that the kids keep asking where he is.

24hr missing

He has been away from home 24hrs now. He didn't tell me when he left, where he was going or nada. 

He has not called. 

Such a wonderful husband. 

I'm home and think I should go get something for my kids at a thrift shop. After all if he can go gamble away all we don't have, then surely I can get necessaries for the children without feeling an anxiety attack. 

Alas I can't go. My son is still sick. Has been for four days now and I'm the only one here cleaning up poop and vomit. 

At 2am lastnight he threw up again. So couldn't send him to school today. 

Poor baby 

The children always asking for daddy. When he was away working I could give valid reasons why he wasn't come. 

Now I don't even answer anymore. I just distract them or tell them to pray for daddy. 

I feel lost and vulnerable. 

No woman should ever be in this position. 

What did I do to deserve this? That's the question that made me cry at 3am lastnight. 

It's hard to sit and wonder all day and night where your spouse is

Since what happened the other day, my husband still does not have the balls to come to me and talk about what happened, even to offer an 'I"m sorry" would have been a good start.

I am so numb I don't even know where to begin.

And today (Monday) He left the house at 9am. No goodbye or see you later, or I'm going here or there and I'm sitting here at 1am Tuesday, waiting for him to at least call or come home.

How did I get here.

What did I do to deserve this?

Sigh.

But my tears will not go in vain.

I do have to go to bed though because I have children going off to school and life has to go on.

Help pray for me to be strong and to figure out what to do.