He apologized while I was pulling away in my heart

The husband was away for a long time and so when he was due home. I cleaned the house. I made sure the bed was made. I left towels and washcloths in the bathroom so it would feel even more welcoming. 


I thought I'd wash his vehicle so he'd have a nice clean vehicle. I accidently broke a part of the bug guard off. The hose at the car wash caught it and off it went so quickly! 


I told him what happened. I felt so bad. But isn't it amazing how while doing something for someone, crap like that tries to ruin it. 


Anyway, during the time away, I refueled the vehicle once. 


So when he got home he wanted the receipt. He also wanted to know what the mileage was when I refueled. I didn't remember. I can't remember that he logs the mileage at each refuel. I refuel this vehicle so very rarely. 


I felt like crap again. 


Then he said. Well if you can't remember to write the mileage. Just don't refuel it. 


I was crushed. I couldn't believe he was saying this to me. 


I told him ok. I wouldn't refuel again. I wont. 


I cried so much. It still hurt even today. It happened a few days ago. 


I did the routine of putting kids to bed, washing them up, reading stories, praying and giving sweet hugs. My kids keep me alive in so many ways. they have no idea how they are saving my life. 


He then stopped me to apologize. Said he was sorry for what he said. Are you really?  I said ok. 


I wont refuel again. 

A daily happening in my seven years

Woke at 8:30am

Got kids ready for church, brush teeth, wash face, got their hair done. Breakfast. Dressed for church.

Tried to eat myself and get dressed.

Church begins at 10:45am.

I want to leave at 10:15am.

Husband wakes at 10:15am. Then begins to complain about what he doesn't have to wear. I rushed into the closet and took out a bunch of shirts for him to choose from.

Rushed to finish getting dressed.

10:32 man is asking me for pen to write check for offering and tithes. WTH? You couldn't have done that last night???????????????? Oh no, you left the house at 9pm and stayed out until 5am.

Wonder where you went.

Waited in vehicle for husband. Vehicle stinks of smoke. Wonders if he went to casino again. OMG.

He finally comes out and I ask him about the smell and if he went to casino. He says no. Only to play pool.

I'm starting to have doubts again.

I don't feel I can trust him.

Went to church. Kids loved it. Worship was very good! I learned a few things. During service I feel I should touch his shoulder so he doesn't feel alone or separated. I did.

A few minutes later he tries to hold my hand.

We did communion. I try so hard to clear my thoughts of bitterness and ask forgiveness from God.  before taking the bread.

The kids played for a bit at playground after church.

Got home, and played with kids, fed them, did dishes, still doing laundry for the family.

Gave the kids dinner, dessert. movie and now they are playing.

I'll be brushing teeth and washing faces and reading them bed time stories and praying in just a few mintues.

I promise you. He will not be there praying with us.

All the did was come home. sat in his chair. with foot in water that leaked out on the frigging carpet because he didn't hear when I said, using that damn pan was a bad idea.

Asked for food, watched sports.

Asked me to have sex. I helped him out. He knows I can't have sex. I'm having my period.

I gave him a hand job.
And since then he is in his room on his computer. No time to spend with me or the family.

This is my marriage.

At least some of the daily crap I can remember.

I feel I want to cry but I don't want to waste anymore tears.

Home after almost two months and this is the results

Ass came home on Thursday. He didn't even hug the kids until I was reading them bed time story.

Then he was asleep Friday morning when I was up at 5am waking kids and giving them breakfast and getting them off to school.

He stayed in bed the whole fucking day.

I let at 2:30 to pick D up.
When I got back at 3pm, he was gone.

I dropped D off at school again at 4pm. Ass was still gone.

Came back home and waited. Picked D up at 5pm. And rushed home to gather books and get to the library before it closed at 6pm.
He came home just as we were leaving. Said he went to get a pair of shoes. Brought me home some spray mist from walgreens WTF? Did you smell me?

I had all the windows open. IT was cool and great to air the house out. Esp with the smell from all his clothes and shit he took home from work.

I asked him if he would be leaving again? He said not right then. I told him to close the windows when it was night.

I gave him a gift basket I had ordered for him as a welcome home present.
Snack basket from GourmetGift Baskets.

Left for the library. Got some books and movies. Went to the store to get groceries because he is home and will need food. Why? Because I care! Why the F do I care? I am wondering this even now.

Struggled in the stores with the kids. So stressed.

Got home.
The kids helped me with the groceries while he stayed in his fucking room and played on his computer.

When I got inside I asked. didn't you hear we were home? Why didn't you come help with the groceries?
'I didn't know you needed help"
I asked how he couldn't know. We spoke on the phone while I was at the store and I told him why I was shopping for groceries and it's because he was home so he could have food to eat.  So how the hell wouldn't I need help when I get home?
I said, I know I shouldn't expect any different. We've had this argument before and it has always been this way the past 7 years.

I even bought him food to eat since dinner would be late.

He actually took his food and went to eat while I had to unload the dishes. Get kids cleaned up and fed.

I cried. I cried so hard.

I cried.

Then after I put the kids to bed.
he actually went out and stayed out until 4am.

Today Saturday, he just woke up now and it's 2pm.

2fucking pm.

Welcome to my fucking life.