I don't get to walk away from my kids

We've been here 3 days and 3 nights.

Not once has hubs helped me with the children to put them to bed, or help burshing teeth and grooming before bed and/or in the mornings when they awake to go out.

We've been staying here in AL to visit his father's side of the family for the Christmas holiday.

It's Christmas night and we came home to the hotel to rest up for the trip home tomorrow.

I was getting the kids ready for bed, brushing teeth and etc.

Suddenly he left the room. I asked where he was going and he said lobby. I thought maybe he is going to get something.

He stayed away for more than an hr.

I finished getting the kids to bed and tried to relax. 

When he came in and I asked him where he was (I was starting to worry) and he said lobby. He was checking out the football and on the internet.
So I asked if he just wanted to get away from us and he said yes. He just wanted some peace and quiet.

I could cry or laugh.

I never get to walk away from my kids saying I have to go get some peace and quiet.

This makes me terribly sad and shy away even more from having more kids.

Terribly sad I tell you.

And it's not the first time this has happened. I should be used to it by now, but I am not. 

Sadness that comes after the anger

I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents for the kids and the man and I'm so terribly sad. Today ...rather this evening/night we had a terrible argument.

He asks why I had not cleaned the air vent and I told him, it usually take me an hr or two and I don't want to do it now, but I'd do it.

It was really yucky and needed cleaning. It hadn't been cleaned since I last cleaned it and I remember how hard that was to do.
It would have been easier for him to do since he is so much taller than me.

The evening started out with him waking up at 5pm. Yes he slept all day while as usual I'm up with the kids doing the daily stuff.  I don't know how as a father his conscience makes him sleep all day. But that's the norm around here and now I don't even get angry about it anymore.

He woke up, stalking around the house wanting to suddenly change lightbulbs, walking on the carpet with his nasty shoes. He knows I HATE shoes on my carpet! HATE it. I play around on our carpet with the kids and I don't think shoes should be on it. I don't think shoes should be worn in the home period. It's nasty. The dirty shoes you wear outside and step in all sort of crap should NEVER come into your home!

He mentioned that my not wanting shoes in the carpet is getting old. I reacted. I told him that we play and sit and roll around on our carpet and nasty shoes, should not be on it. He said it was a matter of cleaning the carpet then. I told him no. It's a matter of not wearing the shoes in the house in the first place because it's nasty!

He went on stomping around wanting to fix the outside light and etc. Bear in mind. It's been two days now since I told him about the light being out. Why on earth is he waking up at 5pm acting like it's top of the morning to change lightbulbs is beyond me.

He eventually left for the store and I asked if he could pick up something to eat.

After he left, I went to clean the air vent, thinking that I'd have it cleaned and surprise him when he got back.

I couldn't open the ladder, so I just leaned it against the wall.

He came in and saw the ladder against the wall and went off. I got down and said, ok, you fix it so I can finish. I was so upset that I started to cry. And I was trying hard to count to ten so that I wouldn't get angry. During this time he kept demanding that I come look at how to open the ladder.  I was still counting , hoping to calm down.

I eventually said, ok, I am sorry I'm a  moron and can't do anything to please you. He said, well the wall is important and you should know not to lean a ladder against it because it's sheet rock and it will damage easy. I told him, I didn't know anything about the wall like that and didn't think it would damage it because people lean ladders against walls all the time. He asked me what people? If it was the people in my country. I said yes.

I told him I didn't know how to open the ladder and just wanted to clean the vent so he would stop talking about it and it would be clean.
He said well the instructions are on the ladder and of course it was an argument and I quipped maybe I can't read and he said, well let your kids read it to you.

My children are age 3 and 5 and read very well because I've taught them. I alone have taught them.
I said, sure, when they are older, they will love to take care of their mother.

He then took the ladder back to the garage, muttering that I was pissing him off, came back and tried to close the vent.
I went out and I looked him dead in the eye and I said with as much venom as was felt inside me, if you put that fucking vent up. I will take it down and clean it. and if you put it up 10 times I will take it down and if you keep doing it, I'll bring the hose inside this house and spray wash that crap.

Our daughter was right there, he grabbed her and swat her bottom, saying he told her to go in the other room and then asked my why was I being so foul. I told him I did not care.

So I used a spin chair to stand on and cleaned the vent and then stood on the bin to put it back up after I was done.

He was around for a bit and then left as I was vacuuming the carpet.

It's 1:30am and he isn't back. I'm sure he feels lots better not being around me.

I'm also sure he wont be back until maybe 3 or 4am...

at 10pm I tried calling him because I needed meds for my son who was burning up with fever. there was no answer.
I had to wake my 3 yr old up and took my 5yr old and jump in the vehicle to go get meds for my son.

Even if he had answered...so many hrs later, my son would still be here waiting on this medicine.

This is one of the times when I just hate my life.

Hate that I feel trapped.

Of course it's hard to type all that happened, but that is basically my marriage for you.

Maybe it will be too late

Tonight dh tells me he is going to a sports bar to watch the game and then go play pool afterwards.

That's alright I tell him.

I never stop him from going. I think as a man he should go out and enjoy himself. I just wish he'd think of dating me in the same way.

Maybe one day before it's too late, he'll realize this.

Maybe....

A Little Love is best shown and not spoken

I would love a time when my husband comes home and takes me aside in embrace and really sit and talk with me for even five minutes. 

I would also love if he does take the kids aside and romp , fill their little emotion cup with hands on daddy, because this is what kids need.

Instead, the moment he arrives home, he rushes to get his laptop going so he can spend the rest of the night and evening playing spades with strangers online. 

This is where he invest his time.

Then he wonders why sex is the last thing on my agenda at 3am when he is ready for bed.

Yesterday, Sunday, after church. We came home around 1pm. Immediately he went online to play spades. As usual I cook and do chores, jumping online here and there, gave the kids snacks, interact with them (they come to mommy for everything), read to them etc.

Their father sat from 1:30pm - 3am playing spades. 

This is the man I marry. 

This is the heartbreak I live. 

My heart breaks more so for my children.

One day....it will not be this way and I will be loved.

Another step toward something

My heart has been breaking for our relationship. I hate seeing the man I married so passive and uninvolved in our lives, especially the lives of our children. Why doesn't it come naturally to want to devote time to them? 

It seems like it's a chore to give hugs and kisses.  He'd rather wait for them to come to him. You don't wait on kids. You go love on them.

Our relationship has been in a stall. Urgent silent stall. Silence that eats at the soul that something is wrong. While I've been hurting , somewhere along the way I became callous in feeling and made it not bother me so much.

I guess after more than a week, he finally realized something was wrong and came to talk with me last night. I was not really receptive. 

However I was very open with my feelings, unlike other times when I'd try to massage people's feelings. I'm not sure he fully gets it, but it's a good start to begin with dialog.

We did touch on quite a few issues that bothers me alot and that I've not been saying anything about because of fear I'd hurt his feelings. 

We must connect physically, emotionally and spiritually with each other for this to work. We must invest time with each other for us to grow.  And it must be deliberate. 

What you put in is what you get out. 

The talk has helped my spirit a lot. and I think it's good that he finally took the initiative.

We'll see how it all works out....

My heart aches for my relationship

My heart aches for my relationship.

It's like I"m outside watching it die. My husband does not think it's that bad. It is and he is hiding his head in the sand.

We have nothing in common, it doesn't seem and we do nothing together as a couple or as a family.

I take care of the kids, teach them everything, always with them and he works , come home, sit with his computer, I feed him dinner and keep interacting with my kids until it's their bedtime and then I do the routine I do every night to get them settled in and he sits with his computer and then when it's fulfilled him enough and he wants dessert he sends out signals that I'm suppose to pick up.

However this is not going to work and I'm not going to do the sorry for sex.

This is my body. If it's the only thing I truly own, is my body and I refuse to let it be used just for sex. Like a prostitute.

A few days ago, he was sending out signals. I had a heart to heart with him and told him that I wouldn't mind having sex with him or other, if things were healthier in other areas of our lives. We need to invest in each other as a couple. We need something in the love back to draw from so that the act of sex doesn't seem forced. Like a duty. One more chore.

Talk to me.

Date me.

Help me at home with the kids and with housework.

Be alive with me.

Be with us.

I thought it got through to him, but a day later and it's the same attitude. And I'm sure he expect that I will just fall into bed and present my body to make him happy. It is not going to happen.

And each day we grow farther and farther away. We are becoming strangers. I'm becoming the nanny.

A crab will sit in cold water on fire until it is too late.

WW: Change it back

For more WW. Head to Wordless Wednesday HQ

Night is the new day or vice versa

Apparently my husband thinks its alright to stay up all night and then go to bed at 7/8am in the morning and sleep all day. Now why didn't I think about that. Oh I had two kids age 2 and 4 to think ABOUT!

It should not surprise me that he does this. In our five years of marriage, it has not been the first or second or third.....time. But I would think that as a man, he'd choose to be responsible and share in the day to day of his family life , especially when he gets his days off from work and have a whole week at home.

And you wonder why I'm so *#*#$*#$^( angry!


Sigh.

I took the kids to story time at the library for my daughters 3rd birthday. I hope to start going regularly. They seemed to enjoy it. I like that they interacted.

I saw a father there with his two children. Two beautiful little girls. I was shocked. So there are men who actually do these things for their family, with their family.

I know I do want more kids and since we are married, I'm sure he'll be the father, but before that, I'll have to teach myself that I will be the only one taking care of that baby. I guess  I'm used to it by now but when I say teach myself, I mean that I will not get upset that he never changes a diaper or want to feed the baby or read to them etc.

But as you can see, for  a married woman, it is hard to get her mind to think like this.

A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.

Another silence has begun

The silence is on again.

It is how I deal with things after a blow out. At first the silence will be tense and I keep wondering if I should say something to cut the silence and make things more pleasant, but to me that would mean, going into a pretense that things are great when they are not.

It must be hashed out.

The story.

Yesterday the husband slept all day. Finally woke sometime after 6pm. I started dinner at 6pm so it was close to finished.

I thought I'd greet him instead of just letting him mope around like he always do.

We were watching Deal or no deal and playing balloons, my son and I.

Then it was dinner and I asked if he wanted to watch a movie as I'd seen Marley and Me earlier in the day and thought it would make a good movie for us all.

He proceeded to seem to blame me that I should have discussed the movie with him first. um hello? did you hear me just asked if you want to watch a movie? How about asking what it's about etc and then that would start the discussing.

After meal the kids played , while I did laundry and folding laundry is not fun at all so I turned the tv on again to deal or no deal to watch while I folded.

he started playing a game with our son. Ok . whatever.

After all that, I got the kids teeth brushed and faces and hands washed and pajamas on in preparation for bedtime.
I read their stories and offered water and then told them to go give their father a kiss.

He came in to delay...or pray. I left the room.

The kids came to hug me later and ask that I put them to bed. I did with kisses and I love yous etc.

Then I did some email reading and went to do my hair which I had washed earlier in the day. It takes a long time to flat iron my hair. Of course I turned the tv on again to just watch while I labor.

It's 12am at night and he finally comes out his room where he was the whole time after praying with the kids.
He started to do emails and whatever. Then ask me if I still wanted to watch that movie. I am in the middle of a show and yes I want to see the ending. We all know how that is right?

I told him I wanted to finish the show I was watching.

No. acknowledgement.

Whatever.

At 2am I'm just finishing up my hair and another show begins. He is still doing email or whatever on the computer.

I finished my hair , running to and from during commercials.

At 2:30am he asks me when I'm going to bed which i find strange since he knows that I always stay up as late as 3am etc , esp on weekends. It does not matter that I have to get up at 8am for church.

So I said, um is my presence disturbing you? He proceeds to tell me that I watch too much tv.

Are you kidding me? This man that sleeps all day even know what I do!!!

I said, I don't , or rarely watch tv in the day and I see no problem watching at night.

Plus it helps if I'm doing something else and can't hold a book to read.

He then asks when is he supposed to do taxes?

By golly, why then didn't he just say he wanted to focus on taxes and the tv is distracting him? instead of trying to belittle me by saying I watch too much tv.

Of course I want him to do taxes. So I took my tea, and snack (yes I eat at 3am in the morning) and went in the bedroom to finish my show and just relax.

Five minutes later he wakes in, saying he is too tired and wants to go to sleep. I'm fucking shocked! Are you kidding me here????? You just said you wanted quiet to do taxes! You WOKE UP AT 6PM from sleeping all day!!!

So I gather my things to leave again and he tells me that I'm running away from him. WTF! How on earth do I please this person? So I busted out laughing and I said, you are too funny.

And we got into the tv argument and I told him, I need a job to get one for myself (which means I'd need an apartment to put it in and pay for my own electricity etc) and that if he desires to not have tv on then he should sell the ones we have.

We have two. One we bought and one a neighbor gave to me.

I woke up this morning Sunday to get the kids ready for bed. I do this all by myself every Sunday and then five minutes before we leave, guess who wakes up and tells me how soon we have to leave?? Yes . The husband who doesn't think he needs to do anything with his family.

I have two kids that I have to groom, and feed, and get ready plus myself. Every Sunday, I do it all alone.
So this morning, I figure I'd just get the kids ready and send them off with him. I don't feel like going to church smiling with anyone like life is fucking great. Whatever.

Tell me where I'm not thinking straight here.
I don't mind.

But these are just a few of the crap I put up with every day.

Apparently my husband thinks his only job in this family is to provide the dough and put in light bulbs and mow the lawn.

I must get myself educated (degree) and get a good job so I can have some say in this life.